


Learning As I Go

by SolitaryPeak



Category: Star Wars: Rebels, Star Wars: Thrawn Ascendancy Trilogy - Timothy Zahn, Star Wars: Thrawn Series - Timothy Zahn (2017)
Genre: Alien Cultural Differences, Alien Culture, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Awkward Conversations, Awkward Sexual Situations, Belonging, Bi-Curiosity, Bullying, Chiss Ascendancy (Star Wars), Chiss Drama (Star Wars), Culture Shock, Developing Friendships, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt, Eventual Romance, F/M, Fear, Friends to Lovers, Gen, Innocence, Isolation, Loneliness, M/M, Male Friendship, Mild Sexual Content, Redemption, Self-Discovery, Self-Esteem Issues, Slow Romance, Social Anxiety, Social Issues, Thrawn | Mitth'raw'nuruodo Needs a Hug, Unrequited Love, Unresolved Emotional Tension, Xenophobia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-06
Updated: 2021-02-10
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:48:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 19,710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27419797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SolitaryPeak/pseuds/SolitaryPeak
Summary: On the outside, Thrawn comes off as confident, arrogant, and unshakable. On the battlefield, he is. But its no secret that when faced with relationships, Thrawn stumbles. It'd always been a problem for him. His own people had found him odd and irritating. But now he is in the empire, where he's hated before he even opens his mouth, and his true struggle begins. How is he supposed to report back to the Ascendancy when he can't even get through a conversation without offending someone or making an accidental enemy? At least at home he'd had allies if not friends... how was he to get through this entirely alone?  An exploration of Thrawn's process of making friends, building relationships, and even love in a terrifying, unfamiliar environment: The Imperial Navy.
Relationships: Thrawn | Mitth'raw'nuruodo & Eli Vanto, Thrawn | Mitth'raw'nuruodo/Original Character(s)
Comments: 40
Kudos: 27





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much for reading! There will be spoilers for Timothy Zahn's novels and the Rebels show. I wanted to write a Thrawn romance without it being Thranto, simply to explore pushing Thrawn beyond his comfort zone: Eli. I'll be exploring Thrawn's experiences moving through the Navy from cadethood to beyond his disappearance in Rebels. I have no outline, so even I don't know where he'll end up! Please review.

“I am alright, I assure you,” Thrawn pressed, but Eli continued to support his weight regardless.  
“You’re not alright, you’re banged up pretty badly.”  
One of the other cadets had taken a cheap shot at Thrawn in sparring. It was harmless, but ended up being far less so when his stumble had him elbow and shatter one of the room’s windows, cutting his arm. Thrawn just wanted to go back to their quarters and patch it up himself, along with wrapping his freshly sprained ankle. Once the dojo’s medic said they were ‘booked’ somehow, eyeing Thrawn with disgust, he decided he’d do it himself. But Eli was determined, his rage fueling his search for the medic on the other side of campus.  
“I’ve suffered far worse, its a minor injury-” Thrawn assured him, but Eli shook his head.  
“Its the principle, Thrawn, and besides, you don’t know how minor it is for sure.”  
Thrawn wasn’t new to injury, but remained quiet. Eli was the only person that cared if Thrawn were wounded, and he didn’t want to chase that away. Not after the weeks of hatred he’d endured.  
“There it is,” Eli said, adjusting his hold on Thrawn’s torso. Eli set Thrawn down in the chair by the window, approaching the desk. “Excuse me, my friend here got hurt in a training accident.”  
The man looked over at him, his eyes narrowing. “I’ll see if the doctor is still here.”  
He walked away, and Thrawn could see Eli’s face heat up, his fists clenched. He expected the same response Thrawn did.  
The man returned, sitting with a cool expression. “The doctor has gone so we’re closed for the evening. Your friend will be fine until morning.”  
Eli slammed his hand on the counter, “He has glass shards in his arm!”  
The man didn’t look at Thrawn again, “Cadet, I am not a doctor, your attempt is as good as mine. Come back tomorrow.”  
Thrawn could hear several people conversing behind the closed waiting room door, some of which had an air of arrogance and sophistication. Probably the doctors.  
“You listen-”  
“Vanto.”  
He turned to Thrawn. “Let’s return to our quarters, yes?”  
Thrawn’s tired tone left little room for argument.  
“I’m not through with you,” he spat, hefting Thrawn to his feet a little too aggressively, making him wince.  
“The nerve of those people…”  
Thrawn was growing tired and sore, his leg pounding. It felt like hours before they’d reached the common room of their residence building. It was fairly late, and few if any students would pass through. Eli pulled the common room first aid kit from the wall, opening it.  
“The glass, start with the glass.” Thrawn said, watching Eli. He found a pair of tweezers, swallowing nervously.  
“Look, I can’t promise I won’t push it in further. I’ve never exactly done this.”  
Thrawn watched him, “I trust you, besides, what other choice do we have?”  
Eli looked down at the tweezers nervously, and the woman at the table before the vending machines looked over.  
“I don’t mean to intrude, but I can help.”  
They look up, and she blinked, “I’m a med student.”  
Eli looks at Thrawn, who inclines his head. “Please.”  
Eli moved and she knelt down before him, digging through the first aid kit Eli had located. Something in Thrawn warmed. She was so willing to help… she didn’t even bat an eye.  
“What’s hurting?”  
“I believe I have sprained my ankle, as well as cut my arm on broken glass.”  
She nodded, untying and pulling his boot and his sock from his foot with ease. She tilted it around, feeling the tendons with her slender fingers.  
“I don’t believe your ankle is broken,” she said, placing his foot on her thigh to wrap it with the first aid kit’s bandage. He felt odd, his foot on her. It was strangely informal for someone he’d just met. But perhaps it’d just felt that way since she was a fellow student and not a doctor as he expected.  
“That’s good news,” he said blankly, watching her.  
She wrapped his ankle with tight precision.  
“Now the arm.”  
He nodded.  
She cut his sleeve with the scissors, rolling it up around his shoulder. The deep cut, marred with shards of glass, ran from just above his elbow to his palm.  
“Would you be comfortable with me following you to your quarters? I think lying down would make this easier for both of us.”  
Thrawn put out his hand for Eli to pull him onto his feet, “certainly.”  
She followed them, Thrawn limping agonizing slow. Eli pushed open the door and Thrawn limped to his bunk, sitting. Luckily the bunks were staggered, allowing him to sit up without hitting his head on Eli’s bunk above him.  
“Why don’t you lie down on your stomach so I can see it all at once.”  
Thrawn complied, grateful to be in his bed again. Eli pulled over their chair, the desk lamp on top so she could see. She used the cover of the first aid kit to drop the bloodied glass in, speaking candidly to Eli as she went. Thrawn fisted his blanket in his free hand, trying to remain as still as possible. She stuffed a towel under his arm, probably to catch the fresh blood dripping from the opened wound.  
“How are you doing?” She asked, her hand briefly touching his back. It startled him, and he swallowed.  
“I am doing fine.”  
“Good,” she said, and Eli kept her talking. He was clearly very interested in this brand of gore, asking questions about what she’d done.  
“I believe I’ve gotten it all, I can’t find any more, but if you happen to feel anything later I’ll happily remove it.”  
She didn’t wait for a response, squirting a liquid on the wound, pulling the towel up around to catch it.  
It burned, Thrawn’s vision fogging. He sucked in a breath.  
“I know, I’m sorry.”  
She dabbed it with the towel. “This needs stitches.”  
Thrawn looked over at her, “are you capable?”  
Eli slapped his hand to his forehead. “He means-”  
“I can do it, yes,” she said, her expression difficult for Thrawn to read.  
“I would be grateful.”  
She looked into the kit.  
“The autosealer is something only the med bay would have. I’d have to do it the traditional way.”  
Thrawn ignored the slight embarrassment that flushed through him. “No doctor will see me, so I trust your abilities.”  
She frowned, but didn’t ask. Eli’s grave looked implied that he believed she understood.  
She thread the needle, wiping blood from the wound again before beginning to stitch.  
Thrawn clenched his teeth. He’d had stitches before, but it never got any easier. She was quick, moving along the wound easily and efficiently. Thrawn gripped the durasteel bar of his bunk in his free hand, his pain tolerance beginning to run its course for the day. After limping around with Eli for over an hour, he wasn’t disappointed in himself.  
She finished, quickly tying it off and disinfecting it again before smothering some bacta over it.  
“Did you hit your head?”  
Thrawn passively touched the wound on his forehead. “I did.”  
She got closer, her green eyes examining the wound. Her proximity allowed him to study her and her features, searching in vain for any tell tale signs of annoyance or even more commonly, disgust.  
She wiped it gently with another wipe from the kit, pressing around it with her thumb. It struck pain through Thrawn’s skull, and he shut his eyes.  
“Sorry,” she said quietly, and moved away, shocking Thrawn with the sudden loss of heat.  
“I don’t think you have any more than a bruise there, but watch out for anything odd like dizziness, nausea, confusion, they could be signs of concussion.”  
Thrawn lowered his head in understanding. "I appreciate your assistance. Truly.” He said, sitting up.  
She smiled, “I’m happy to help…”  
“Thrawn.”  
“Thrawn,” She repeated. “I’m Linnia.”  
“Eli Vanto,” Eli said from beside Thrawn.  
“If you have any more trouble don’t hesitate, I’m on the fourteenth level, 3B.”  
“Thank you,” Thrawn said, and Eli walked her out.  
\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
He spent more time that night than he cared to thinking of the young woman. Linnia. Not one person beyond Eli had shown him any semblance of empathy, and even Eli didn’t seem to see just how extraordinarily terrifying this had been for him. He’d only been away from Csilla for three weeks, at the academy for one. He’d never been among outsiders for any extended period prior. He clung entirely to Eli for any hope he had, his lack of understanding in the political and social front proving far more relevant here than he’d anticipated. He was more than an outsider. He was a nuisance, a stray mark on the reputation of the empire, according to most. A small childish part of him had permitted thoughts of grandeur, of fitting the mold here in the empire. He’d never miscalculated so terribly. He always did when it came to social matters. It was a strategical front he could not get ahead of.  
Linnia had shown kindness. She did not stare at him or shy away like others had. He was aware of the bluntness of his blue skin and glowing red eyes in the face of the humans’ subtle features. He’d seen enough people cringe or flinch away from him to know. He wasn’t a touch driven creature, but with this isolation, he’d never felt so cold.  
He thought of seeing her again, just to talk, but faltered. As he knew, he didn’t read social situations well. What if she wasn’t as kind as she let off? What if she’d been put off by his appearance? He didn’t have a way with words like Eli had, no charm or conversational eloquence. He wrapped his arms around himself. No. A social blunder would only bruise his ego further.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thrawn explores the possibility of friendship in the empire

Thrawn continued his studies in near solitude, leaning only on Eli for any kind of positive reinforcement. This was something he had to do, for the Chiss, and he couldn’t fall apart over some absurd human posturing. He ignored chides and remarks in classes and workshops, focusing solely on the mission. Eli did his best to comfort him for a time, but Thrawn’s lack of visual response had apparently dissuaded Eli, and Thrawn pretended he was not disappointed.   
The humans thought he lacked their emotional range, but they couldn’t be more wrong. He simply kept it to himself, as the Chiss did. Giving your emotions away was like handing your opponent your cards. It wasn’t a lesson Thrawn could break, nor would he want to. It protected him.

It wasn’t until Thrawn finally ventured out for the first time without Eli, to get Caff in the mess. There weren’t many people, as he knew it was an odd hour between meals, and Thrawn went about his business. It wasn’t until he was heading back that someone acknowledged him.  
“Thrawn!”  
He looked up, expecting an insult of some kind.   
Linnia.  
She was seated at one of the tables, her datapad in front of her as well as a cup of caff and a bowl of fruit.  
He limped over.   
“Good morning, how are you feeling?” She asked.  
“I’m doing well, largely due to your assistance. Thank you.”  
She gestured to the chair, “do you want to join me?”  
He swallowed. Did he?   
“Certainly.”   
He sat before her, eying her datapad quickly. Biochemical engineering.  
“I’m glad you’re up and about.”  
“As am I,” Thrawn said, sipping his caff. “Are you studying?”  
He knew that she was, but had seen Eli ask the obvious of people to begin a conversation.  
“Yes, I have a final exam later this week.” She sighed.   
“You struggle with biochemical engineering?”  
She shrugged, “I think I’m just burnt out. I was overly ambitious in my schedule.”  
Thrawn inclined his head, “periods of rest often help the mind absorb information more efficiently. It might do you well to stop studying for a time.”  
She smiled, “maybe you’re right, maybe that’s just what I need.”  
His lips quirked up slightly, “I hope so.”  
Someone set their caff down beside him on the table, eyeing Thrawn. She was taller than Linnia, her light hair pulled back in a tight bun. Her eyes were blue like Eli’s, but lacked their kindness and warmth.  
Linnia cleared her throat. “Doetr, this is Thrawn.”   
The girl looked him over, cringing. Thrawn looked away.  
“He’s joining us?” She asked, her arms crossed.   
“Technically, you’re joining us,” Linnia said with a bite in her tone.  
Thrawn rose, and Linnia shook her head. “Thrawn-”  
“Thank you, Linnia. I wish you success on your exam.” He said, walking as quickly as he could from the table.  
“Why?” He heard Linnia ask her friend, and he sighed. 

He was quiet that night after dinner, and Eli continued to ask him what was wrong.  
“Nothing, I am fine.” Thrawn said, returning to his paper. He didn’t wish to talk to Eli about it. To see the pity in his expression when he told him. He was used to it. It had been the same with the chiss. He was an outsider, constantly trying to prove his worth. They thought he was strange, and knew of his political ineptness, taking advantage of his Mitth standing to try to manipulate him into humiliating the Mitth family. He’d endured humiliation in his life, more than he cared to admit. But it’d made him strong, taught him how to keep his cards close to his chest. Relying on others made one weak. He had all the strength he needed.   
“Did someone bother you again?” Eli asked.  
Thrawn didn’t answer.   
Eli squeaked out a consonant before there was a knock at the door. Eli answered it, his hand behind his head.  
“Hi Eli, Is Thrawn here?”  
Thrawn straightened, looking toward the door.  
“Come on in,” Eli said, closing the door behind her.  
“Linnia?” Thrawn set his datapad down.   
She stood awkwardly before him. “Thrawn, I’m so sorry about Doetr. I asked her to leave but you left so quickly.”  
Thrawn glanced at Eli, and back to her. “No need for an apology.”  
She looked at the floor. “Thrawn, no one is going to speak to you like that in my presence.”  
He was surprised by the force in her tone. “No one deserves to be treated like that.”  
Eli smiled, “I’ve been telling him that.” he chided.   
Thrawn looked at the floor. “I appreciate your concern but it is alright. I do not wish to bring such ill consequences down on you and your social standing simply for fraternizing with me.”  
“I can make that decision on my own,” she said, unblinking.   
“Of course. I did not mean to imply otherwise.” Thrawn said, cringing inwardly.   
She inclined her head. “I’ll be there tomorrow, same time, same table. I’d like for you to join me, if you would.”  
She didn’t wait for a response, instead bidding Eli goodnight and sweeping from the room.  
“What was that about?”  
Thrawn lifted his datapad. “I saw Linnia in the mess and her companion insinuated I was not welcome, so I left.”  
Eli crossed his arms, “you want me to go with you?”  
Thrawn shook his head. Eli was taking enough of a beating for him. “I’ll make do. Thank you.”

When Thrawn was young, maybe ten or eleven, a young girl at his academy had begun to pay attention to him. She intrigued him, and her attention was something new to Thrawn. He was largely ignored, sometimes downright bullied, and he’d come to focus on invisibility. But this girl was determined. She sat near him, talked to him, and defended him. He began to trust her, to fear that one day she would no longer take an interest in him.  
“I got a better grade than you,” she teased once, holding up her datapad, her test results clear on the screen.  
“You got lucky. You’re not as smart as me, so I’ll get a better grade next time.” Thrawn had responded, not meaning it as it had come out.  
She frowned, “are you calling me stupid?”  
He shook his head, “I’m just saying that you’re not as smart as me.”  
She’d burst into tears, ignoring Thrawn’s pleas and apologies. Their friendship had ended there, and she utilized what she’d learned about him to join in with the others’ taunting. Thus began Thrawn’s caution with ‘friends.’  
Over the years any relationship that had edged toward friendship was destroyed one way or another by Thrawn. Either his mouth or his reputation brought them to a swift end. He’d had allies, yes, but never a true friend, nevermind any small semblance of a romantic relationship.  
This caution reared its head with reckless abandon the following morning. He’d decided to go to the mess, as not to insult her after all the kindness she had shown.   
But he was not looking forward to it.   
He’d ruin it, one way or another he’d get comfortable and stop filtering his words, letting something arrogant or rude slip out. It would chip away at her opinion of him, and he’d fall to the wayside. That was the way of it and he’d accepted it. It was this hope.   
Just when he got used to being alone, content, someone always came around to give him hope that maybe this time it would be different. It never was.  
He’d showered, wearing his cadet grays, their casual attire. He had no classes, and no clothing aside from military attire.   
“Enjoy yourself,” Vanto called from the desk, and Thrawn left with no response.   
His hands were clammy when he reached the mess, and Linnia was, in fact, seated at the same table. Her dark hair was piled high on her head in a messy knot, her glasses on.   
Thrawn swallowed and approached. She looked up.  
“Morning,” She greeted with a smile, a bit of surprise in her tone.  
“Good morning,” he said, unsure of what to do.  
“Have a seat, do you want me to grab you some caff or something? I don’t want you to walk on that leg unless you have to.”  
“If you would,” he said, his ankle sore.   
“I’ll be right back.” she said, pushing the chair in. He took a moment to observe her things. Her possessions were worn, well used over the time she’d spent at the academy. It made Thrawn think she wasn’t as wealthy as the others, who bought new supplies every year at least. She was certainly a touch older than Vanto, but he wasn’t entirely sure how old. Could he ask? He was still learning human formalities. Suddenly he’d wished he brought Eli along.  
She returned, setting his caff down before him, along with a breakfast pastry.  
“Thank you,” he said, lifting the cover of his caff. Black.  
“I noticed that’s how you had it yesterday, I hope its alright.”  
He bobbed his head, “Yes, thank you.”  
She smiled, and he found himself smiling back. He looked around, others paired off studying or eating… he was like them. A regular person having a conversation with a friend. He faltered. She wasn’t his friend.   
She adjusted her glasses, and Thrawn tilted his head.  
"Could you not have some sort of...?" He paused. He didn't know the word. Eli wasn’t here.   
She stared at him. "What?"  
He swallowed, embarrassed. "nothing. My apologies."  
She shook her head. "I just don't know what you mean?"  
"Your, your eyes. I- I'm sorry I do not know the word in basic." He pursed his lips. Why would he ask that?   
"Oh," she half smiled, " Do you mean some sort of corrective surgery?”  
He nodded.  
“I did, I only need them on occasion, when my migraines affect my vision a bit."  
Thrawn looked away, "that was not an appropriate question. I apologize."  
She shook her head, "it's ok, Thrawn. If I don't want to answer something I’ll tell you."  
He searched her face for anger, but she met his gaze with resolve.  
"Thank you."   
She smirked. "Can I ask you a personal question?"  
He bobbed his head. "You may."  
"You said you don't know the word in basic. What language is your native language?"  
"Cheunh." He replied.   
She looked up, “And where is that language spoken?”   
"The Chiss Ascendency. It is in what you would call the unknown regions."  
She smiled, "that's amazing." Her eyes sparkled with curiosity, and Thrawn felt heat rush to his face. He'd pleased her somehow.   
"How long have you been on Coruscant?"  
She'd gotten him comfortable. "A month."  
Her eyes widened. "And you're alone here?"  
He saddened. "Yes. I am the only of my people here."  
She shook her head, "you're so brave, Thrawn. I’d be so scared."  
He searched her face. She seemed a little sad. He didn't know what to say, remaining quiet.   
"I am the only alien in the academy." He said quietly.  
She bobbed her head, "Everyone here is horrendous to you. I've seen it."  
He looked at the table. "I have not noticed." He said, the raw scratch of his voice giving away his lie.   
"Eli seems very kind, though."  
"He is," Thrawn said without missing a beat. "He is also my translator."  
“He speaks Cheunh?” She asked, trying the word.  
“No. He speaks Sy Bisti, a language common to his planet and my own through trade.”  
She grinned, "I'm happy you came today."  
"As am I."   
She touched his hand. "You've always got a friend when I'm around."  
He watched her expression, his eyes wide. "I… thank you."  
She smiled, standing, "I have class, but let's do this again, whenever you're free."  
"Yes, I would like that." Thrawn said and rose. She waved and he watched her go. The table beside him was laughing, watching him.  
"You go, alien! You definitely stand a chance!"  
He came crashing back down, taking his caff and leaving the mess.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thrawn gets some attention...

Thrawn met with Linnia a dozen more times. Each time they grew a little closer, Thrawn growing just a little more comfortable. They studied, had dinner, and even left the campus together at times to explore Coruscant. He felt safe with her, like he wasn’t going to pay for whatever he did or said when he was with her.   
It wasn’t until the month before graduation that it suddenly stalled. She stopped answering her messages, she was never in the mess, and her room was empty.   
Had she left without telling him?   
He didn’t understand people, but he was sure they were friendly enough for him to be given an explanation? Thrawn cursed himself for getting so attached to the human, for letting his guard down. Of course she’d simply vanish, not wishing to bring their relationship any further than her time at the academy. He didn’t offer Eli an explanation, and Eli had stopped asking.

Thrawn graduated with Eli, and tried not to give her another thought. He was here for the Chiss ascendency, and nothing more. He had Eli, and that was more companionship than he’d ever had prior… that was enough. He had an entire planet, an entire society of Chiss to protect with his actions in the empire, he couldn’t allow himself to get caught up. It didn’t matter. He’d leave them all in a moment to return to the Chiss. As he moved up to Captain, he made more enemies and gained more attention. His few allies became his subordinates, shattering any chance of redeeming a relationship with them. In turn, he attended many parties and returned to Coruscant quite often. He hated parties and dinners. The underhanded comments and whispering kept him on edge. This time it was in honor of Tarkin, and he made sure to go through the motions he always did. He sat with Yularen, always had a drink he was nursing, and remained as silent as possible. Yularen seemed to get the hint, and often tried to direct conversation elsewhere. Thrawn was on his third or fourth glass of wine, his head foggy. He looked around the room, and a man caught his gaze, and approached.  
He was tall, almost as tall as Thrawn, his green eyes searching Thrawn’s face. "Captain Thrawn is it?"  
Thrawn inclined his head, "indeed."  
"May I speak to you?"  
He rose, excusing himself, and followed the younger man to the hall, where many waited for cocktails at the bar.   
"My name is Korma Linre. I'm the admiral on the ISD Render."  
"I would introduce myself, however, it seems you know who I am."  
"Indeed. I've heard endlessly about your work, and wished to meet you."  
"I'm honored, Admiral." Thrawn said, watching the others behind them. He wanted to go sit down. He had already exhausted himself exchanging formalities, and wasn't sure he had it in him to talk to Korma.   
Korma smiled stepping slightly closer to Thrawn, who stiffened.  
“Can I buy you a drink?”  
Thrawn shook his head, “I am afraid I have already indulged too much this evening.”  
“What’s one more?”  
Thrawn frowned, and Korma got him another glass of wine at the bar. He handed it to Thrawn, quickly finishing the shot in his hand, searching Thrawn’s face with renewed interest.   
He was quite attractive, slightly younger than Thrawn, possessing a muscular build. He had dark brown eyes, nearly black, and tanned skin. His cologne was pleasant and not overpowering, and thrawn tried to loosen up.  
"What is it I can help you with?" Thrawn asked.  
"One thing id heard about you is your appreciation for transparency."  
Thrawn clenched his jaw for whatever was about to fall out of this man's mouth. "Certainly."  
The man virtually threw him against the wall, his lips pressed to Thrawn’s. Thrawn tried to catch up, his mind still lagging from the man's abruptness.   
He hadn't realized just how lonely he'd been until then. The feeling of another's warmth pressed against him was intoxicating, and he clung to the man's jacket. It felt so good, being with another, being touched and touching another person. Physical affection might be just what he needed.  
Korma’s tongue was in his mouth, and Thrawn’s shock finally wore off enough for him to try to reciprocate. He turned Korma so that his back was to the wall instead of Thrawn’s. Thrawn didn’t like to be without control, and he wanted to show this man that this would be no different.  
Korma smiled, nipping Thrawn’s bottom lip. Thrawn set his glass down on the table holding the tall floral arrangement, unbuttoning his top button.   
They heard the clicking of high heels on the shined tile, and Korma paused. Before Thrawn could move away in his state, they were on them.  
“Korma? What are you?”  
Korma pushed Thrawn away from him, his lips turned down in disgust. “A little too much to drink, this one,” he said, dramatically stalking away. He followed them out in the hall, leaving Thrawn standing in the alcove.

He walked back to the Chimera, leaving his things behind. He still hadn’t processed what had happened. Korma approached him. Korma kissed him. What had Thrawn done? He didn’t understand. They’d been caught, yes, but why treat him so? Worry nagged into his mind. WHat would this do to his already thin reputation, if he chose to tell others that Thrawn had come onto him?   
Eli virtually pounced on him at the bridge.   
"You ok? I was worried about you."  
Thrawn inclined his head. "I'm alright, but I'll be taking the rest of the night."  
Eli bobbed his head, confused, and Thrawn returned to his quarters. Tears pricked the back of his eyes, and he ignored them. This wasn't any sort of reason to get emotional. He’d hoped for some sort of… enjoyment… and it turned up flat. So? Why get upset about it?  
He felt used.  
His lip twitched. Korma had made him feel like an object, when Thrawn was searching for some sort of fulfillment. Foolish. The humans were rubbing off on him. 

Thrawn was unusually quiet the following day, right up until they were due to go to dinner with Yularen. They’d met in the hallway, and Thrawn led Eli silently to the same bar that was attached to the party the previous night. Eli wasn’t originally due to join them, but Thrawn had asked him to join him. They’d ordered a round of drinks, and Yularen led them through the issue at hand. Thrawn responded, but seemed to be only half listening, his mind elsewhere.   
A man approached, and Thrawn schooled his expression, but his body went rigid.  
"Have you met captain Thrawn?" Yularen asked the man. Eli knew who he was on reputation alone.  
"I can’t say I have. Its a pleasure Captain. I am Admiral Korma."  
Thrawn's gaze tightened. "Likewise."  
Thrawn stared into his glass the rest of the meeting, which ended up being admittedly short.  
“I apologize, Colonel. Regretfully, I am not quite in the right mind for this at the moment.” Thrawn said, his expression neutral.  
“Of course. Next time you’re here, then.”  
Thrawn stalked back to the Thunderwasp, nearly slamming the door in Eli’s face. Eli decidedly checked on the bridge, and returned, giving him a moment.  
"Thrawn?" Eli called.  
"Enter."  
Eli shut the door behind him. Thrawn’s eyes looked a bit watery. "What's going on with you?"  
"What do you mean, Ensign?"  
"I mean you've been acting really strange and I'm starting to worry about you."  
Thrawn shook his head. "I'm entirely alright."  
"No you're not. Tell me what's bothering you."  
Thrawn stared at Eli. "It is foolish, and I am intoxicated. I will be fine in the morning."  
"I want to help you." Eli pressed.  
Thrawn looked away. "It is not appropriate for me to discuss with you."  
"I'm your friend. You can discuss anything with me."  
Thrawn laughed grimly. "You have been forced by my side reluctantly, you are not my friend."  
"Initially, yes. But you're my friend now, Thrawn, I care about you."   
"I-" he hesitated. "Admiral Korma."  
"What about him?" Eli asked, sitting across from him.  
"He… approached me last night. I was intoxicated. When others approached he decided I was not worth his time."  
Eli's eyebrow quirked. "Then he introduced himself to you today."  
Thrawn nodded.  
"Thrawn, he's an asshole. Everyone knows how much of an asshole that guy is. It's not you."  
"It is me," Thrawn hissed.  
"What do you mean?"  
"Nothing."  
"Thrawn." Eli growled.  
"That would not be the first time or hardly the last that an encounter with another ended this way for me." He said. "Most of my encounters with others end in my making a fool of myself."  
"That's not your fault. That's theirs. That is what you're going to get if you fool around with arrogant shits like korma. He sleeps with everyone. If you want something meaningful you have to work for it."  
"I do! And each time I am cast aside!" Thrawn shouted, tears hanging in his glowing eyes. I have tried various approaches, and each time I end the night alone."  
"Thrawn, you are a confusing, odd, difficult person. But you're kind, thoughtful, marvelously intelligent and you're one of the most valuable, irreplaceable people I've ever met. You can't place your value on the rich shitheads with high ranks in the military. Chiss or human."  
Thrawn was looking at his legs, "I was foolish."  
"Nah. You'll find someone who gets you."  
Thrawn didn’t respond. 

Thrawn woke in the morning to Vanto handing him a mug of caff.  
Thrawn’s head was pounding, and he took it gratefully. At this point Eli knew that alcohol made him ill.  
"I must apologize for last night. I was inebriated and emotionally compromised. It will not happen again." Thrawn said stiffly. “It was extraordinarily inappropriate, both what I said to you and my actions with Admiral Korma.”  
Eli stopped in front of him. "You didn’t so anything wrong, and not for nothing, I'm your friend first."  
Thrawn smiled, Eli leaving him to his morning update.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise its not all Thrawn getting battered, he'll get his joy :)


	4. Halo Frigate- Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thrawn ends up on Halo Medical Frigate with quite a question nagging at him.

“Why don’t we go get a drink and you can tell me all about it?”  
Thrawn looked over Eli. He seemed serious. “Alright.”  
Eli half smiled and started down the stairs. The meeting with Yularen had gone far over what it should have, Thrawn arguing with the Colonel about a detail that Yularen refused to accept was Nightswan’s work. Thrawn was irritated, but Eli seemed to find it mildly amusing. Thrawn wasn’t offended. He was simply, curious.   
“Its been forever since we’ve been planetside, it’ll be nice to get away from the Thunderwasp.”  
Thrawn pursed his lips. Eli was right, of course, but the last thing Thrawn wanted was to socialize with anyone.   
“Hey!”  
Eli and Thrawn both turned around. Their new weapons officer, Lieutenant Scofi, was jogging up to them.  
“Would you both like to join me for a drink?”  
Thrawn resisted an eye roll. This would significantly change the length of their night out.  
“That’s where we were going.” Eli said, sounding less than amused himself. But Scofi had very important parents, and Thrawn trusted Eli’s political judgement.  
“I know the perfect place.”  
Scofi led them to a tiny dive bar that Thrawn was only half certain was legal. There were quite a few navy members and government officials present, which eased his mind a bit, but he still found himself unwilling to touch anything with his bare hands. Eli made himself the buffer between Thrawn and Scofi, and for that Thrawn was relieved. He could nurse his drink in peace.  
“First one’s on me, commander.” Scofi said a little too eagerly, and he nodded once before letting the sound of the patrons drown out he and Eli’s small talk.  
The bar tender poured the drinks in front of them, Sliding them in front of them. Eli tossed the drink back, the bartender already pouring another. A woman got up from one of the nearby tables, leaning against the bar between Scofi and Eli.   
“I don’t think I’ve seen you around here before.” She said.   
Eli turned to face her, his posture loosening.  
That was the type of night Eli was looking for.  
Women always approached Eli. Events, dinners, and even on board the ship, Thrawn would catch women and sometimes men trying to get Eli’s attention. Heat in their faces, a nervous jitter about their stance, Eli was always attracting people. A vast majority of the time he was simply polite, especially on board the Thunderwasp.  
Sometimes, Eli would go home with someone. These instances were very rare, and Thrawn understood why Eli did it. He was private and considerate about the matter, but Thrawn hated them all the same.   
“I think I’ll be heading back to the ship,” Thrawn said, finishing his drink.  
Eli looked up at him, a mixture of pity and silent begging in his eyes. “C’mon, commander, its early.”   
Thrawn eyed him knowingly. “I wouldn’t want to… infringe on your time planetside.”   
Eli looked at the woman and back at him, “no, I’ll stay right here with you.” He drawled, and Thrawn clenched his teeth.   
Stay here with you, stay here with you, where you sit alone.   
“No. I insist. Enjoy your night,” he looked over at Scofi, “thank you for the drink, Lieutenant.”  
Before Eli could continue to humiliate him, he turned and left the bar.

Thrawn looked at his chrono. Eli was well over an hour late. He pursed his lips, watching the viewport, his gaze fixed. Eli had never been late since thrawn had met him, not to anything.  
Thrawn remembered a time Eli had caught something Thrawn had never heard of, an influenza that was floating around the campus. It was apparent that Thrawn had been immune, because he never caught it, instead, bringing Eli whatever he told him to. Water, broth, medicine, Thrawn did all his bidding without complaint. When the weekend was over and they were due to return to their classes, Eli went. He was still terribly weak, but he still went to his classes, even completing an exam.  
Something had to be wrong.  
Thrawn had his com paged a half dozen times. No answer.  
“You did not see him last night?” He asked Scofi, sitting at his station.  
“No, sir, he left with that woman.”  
Thrawn pursed his lips. Something was wrong.   
"Lieutenant Scofi, watch the bridge." Thrawn decided.   
The Lieutenant nodded and Thrawn swept from the bridge, determined.  
He walked down the long corridor to Eli's quarters, and knocked.   
No answer.   
Thrawn knocked again, his gut telling him that something was seriously wrong.   
Thrawn pulled his ID cylinder from his pocket, stuffing it into the emergency compartment above the hatch.  
It slid open, and the stale air in the room was all that greeted Thrawn. He saw the top of Eli’s head from his bed. Silent. Unmoving.  
"Vanto?" Thrawn asked cautiously. No response.   
"Eli?" He said again, approaching cautiously and touching his shoulder.   
He was very warm, far warmer than he should have been.  
"Eli." He said with more urgency, rolling him toward him. Eli's head lolled, drool and vomit on his face.  
He turned on his com. "I need a medic. Now."  
Thrawn cradled Eli’s head, touching the side of his face. “Eli.” He commanded, slapping his cheek a few times. “Wake up.”  
Eli’s eyes rolled and he grunted before falling back again. He was pale, a yellow tinge to his skin. The medics rushed into the room, pulling Eli onto a gurney, medical jargon vollying between them, the beeping of various tools and monitors interrupting them.  
They stuck him with some sort of needle, opened his eyes, and tried to rouse him. Nothing.   
“Sir, he’s gonna need a hospital,” one of them said, one of the sensors screaming in the medic’s hand.   
“Find the nearest medical frigate and get him there on a shuttle. We will follow as soon as we’re cleared to do so.” Thrawn said, his tone even.  
The medic nodded, and the rushed from Eli’s quarters, leaving Thrawn alone in the stale, still air.   
Eli was going to die.  
Thrawn was in the military. He knew that in war, people were lost. Despite his best efforts, he knew this was something he could never wholly eliminate.  
But Eli?  
Eli was too good for that. He was and outlier in every way. He was unusually intelligent, thoughtful, kind… to die alone in his bed, covered in his own vomit?  
Thrawn clenched his jaw.   
Eli…  
Could he live without Eli?  
It sounded so terribly dramatic, but he wasn’t sure he could stay without him. The empire was so ghastly, human culture so difficult to understand. Without Eli, this could all be for naught.   
He needed his friend.  
“Captain Thrawn, Vanto is going to Medical Frigate Halo.” The medic called.  
“Copy.”

"I'm Captain Thrawn. I’m looking for Ensign Eli Vanto."  
Frigate Halo was nearly silent. Its blinding white hallways were painful, their clinical stillness disturbing. There was no sound, the eerie silence a stark difference to the beeping and yelling of the medics in Eli’s room. He almost preferred the noise. It informed. This silence did nothing but remind Thrawn of death.  
The man at the desk looked back to the other medic behind him. It was late, and given their lack of decorum, they clearly didn’t get many visitors.   
"Dr. Remda." The man said into his comm.  
A pause. Thrawn watched the face of the man at the desk. He was uncomfortable, and Thrawn wanted to utilize this to his advantage if this Remda didn’t allow him in.  
A voice came on "yes?"  
"Doctor, there's someone here to see Eli Vanto."  
Another pause.  
"Is it Captain Thrawn?"  
Thrawn frowned.  
"Uh, yes ma’am."  
"Bring him in."  
The medic looked taken aback, but stood.  
“Follow me.”  
“Thank you.”   
Thrawn followed him down the white hallway, the doors all shut and their curtains drawn. The medic opened a door on the right, holding it for Thrawn.  
Eli had tubes sticking out of his nose and arms, machines beeping and shifting, pumping medicines and liquids into him. He was pallid, and so still that Thrawn would believe him dead if the machine didn’t say otherwise.   
A woman sat before the bed, a datapad in her hand. Her waved brown hair was up in a ponytail, her green eyes finding his.  
"Linnia," Thrawn said quietly without realizing it.  
"Thrawn," She half smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all of your support! Your comments make me so happy and excited to write for you!


	5. Halo Frigate- Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thrawn makes amends with Linnia and begins his investigation of Eli's mysterious poisoning

Thrawn pursed his lips. "Is he alright?"  
She nodded curtly. "He's recovering nicely. I think he'll be ok."  
Thrawn took a deep breath. "What was it?"  
She stared at him am moment. "He was poisoned, Thrawn."  
He froze. "Poisoned?" Who would poison Eli? His mind whirred, who they’d seen, where they’d been… but a grunt from the bed made him pause. He would do that later. Right now was about Eli.  
She nodded gravely and Eli shifted, squeezing her hand hard enough to whiten her knuckles.  
"Is he lucid?"  
She looked at Eli. "Not really. He's been fearful, he isn't sure where he is or why he's here. We've been taking turns sitting with him, it helps him sleep."  
Thrawn sat cautiously in the chair beside the bed.  
"He’s asked for you. Many times."  
Thrawn's brow furrowed. Him?   
"Eli," she said softly. "Thrawn is here."  
He groaned, and Thrawn shook his head. "It's not necessary."  
"He'll be comforted," she assured him.  
"Thrawn?" Eli mumbled.  
"He's right here," Linnia assured him.  
Eli tried to shift, but it seemed his body wouldn’t follow his commands, his muscles loose and weak. Thrawn stood and walked around the bed. Linnia stood for him, offering him her chair, which he gratefully accepted.  
"Thrawn." Eli drawled, his eyes a horrific red, the sclera tinged yellow beneath.  
"I am here." He said softly, looking back at Linnia questioningly. She nodded, smiling.  
"I'm real sorry." He started and Thrawn sighed.  
"You are ill. There's no need for an apology."  
Eli blinked agonizingly slow, as if the act of opening his eyes was enough to exhaust him. "I failed you."  
Thrawn reminded himself that there was a strong chance Eli didn't even know what he was saying.  
"No. You have done wonderfully. You need rest."  
"Everyone's real nice," he smiled, his eyes falling closed.   
"Yes," Thrawn agreed, hoping he'd fall back asleep.   
"Don't go," Eli murmured.  
Thrawn swallowed. As if he’d be able to get anything done if he did. "I won't."  
Eli, pleased with the news, seemed to fall back asleep, leaving Thrawn with Linnia.  
He cleared his throat, “I did not know you were still in the navy.”  
She sat down. “I wrote you, you never got it?”  
He frowned, “When?”  
“Nearly a year ago now.”  
Thrawn frowned. Rossi.  
She intercepted his thoughts “I got severely wounded in an accident, I had to drop out of the academy for a year. Once I was back at the academy I looked you up and saw that you were on the Bloodcrow, and sent a letter. I never received a response so I figured you were not interested in corresponding with me and left it at that.”  
He closed his eyes. All this time he’d wondered why she’d never contacted him, and it had been captain Rossi who’d tossed his letter.  
“My captain at the time was not appreciative of my presence on the Bloodcrow, she actually had me court martialed not long after she became commanding officer. I imagine she deleted my letter. I apologize.”  
She smirked, “its ok, Commander.”  
“For you, its just Thrawn.”  
“Alright, Thrawn.” She smiled, "are you really going to stay?"  
He nodded, "the Thunderwasp is due for some minor repairs. The crew can work on it for a few days while he rests."  
"Why don't we have dinner then? Catch up?"  
He swallowed. "Sure."  
He followed her down a few long hallways to the mess. He couldn’t help the small bubble of relief inside him. He had his answer. She hadn’t simply forgotten him. She’d even written him. Now, he felt like he had then, that maybe navigating humans wouldn’t be quite as disastrous as he thought. Maybe, maybe he could do this. Maybe he could be alright in the navy. Eli had been his only trustworthy tether. Others all had motives, most cynical, and Thrawn had grown tired quickly, consistently watching out for aggression, making mental notes of the Empire, and navigating Basic and human culture.   
Now he was growing more comfortable, the language was easy, their military structure and culture very similar to that of the Ascendancy, and here, here he didn’t have the politics of the Ascendancy. Family names weren’t thrown around, stepping in and ruining missions and careers. He was the outsider here, yes, but his hard work did, in fact, pay off, regardless of what his name was. It was a clean slate, one free of the brand of political ties that had dragged him down in the expansionary fleet. If he worked hard, he got rewarded. All he had to do was sidestep those that wished to bring him down by staying one step ahead. The only person’s opinion that mattered in the navy was the emperor. If he stayed in his favor, the possibilities were endless. Right?   
She led him through the line and to a table near the door. Her comm was on her tray, constantly babbling.   
Thrawn caught a mark on her neck, and took a closer look while she opened her drink. It was the end of a large scar.   
“How do you think Ensign Vanto got poisoned?” He asked, cutting into his meat.  
“The bloodwork shows its a poison commonly used on farms to kill vermin, venerin. The more you ingest, the more deadly it is, and Eli got quite a bit. More than a simple sprinkle in a drink or in food.”  
Thrawn cringed. The thought of someone targeting Eli was disturbing. Whatever political rodeo Thrawn was in, Eli was an innocent bystander. Why not poison Thrawn?  
“Doctor?” He asked from within his thoughts.   
“Commander?” She replied, smirking.  
“Linnia.” He corrected and she inclined her head, “Ensign Vanto and I were together that evening, what do you believe the chances are that I was poisoned as well?”  
He watched realization come across her features.  
“I can run a test and see if you have any venerin in your system.”  
They finished their meals, Linnia leading Thrawn to the lab. She led him to an intimidating looking chair, pulling on gloves.   
“Take off your jacket.” She said over her shoulder, prepping some machine on the counter. Thrawn had never had his blood drawn since his ‘exile,’ therefore he had no idea how this worked.   
“Anything I should know? No acid blood or?”  
He stared at her and she laughed, “I’m joking.”  
He sighed, irritated with himself. “I actually know nothing of the similarities between your blood and mine.”  
“Nothing?” She teased, pulling her chair up to him.   
“Its red. Is that helpful?”  
She smiled, forcing Thrawn to do the same. She smelled of some type of floral perfume, sweet and clean. Her warm hands found his forearm, poking around for a vein. Her skin was incredibly soft, and Thrawn watched her expert precision.  
“Have you seen a medic since when I fixed your ankle?”  
He shook his head, “No one wanted to do my physical examination so the requirement was waived.”  
Her eyebrow rose, “I wish that would happen to me.”  
The shame associated with the story washed away to her amusement. “The doctor dislikes seeing a doctor?”  
She laughed, seeming to find a spot she liked and prepping the little machine in her hand.   
“I’m gonna pinch you now.”  
He didn’t look away, watching her set the machine to his forearm and pressing a button. There was a pinch, and the screen lit up. She pulled it away, her finger over the spot, watching the screen.  
Thrawn watched her eagerly, and she looked up. “Nothing. No venerin.”  
His shoulders fell. He was so sure they would have aimed for him, not Eli. That Eli was the victim and not the target.  
“I was so sure you were right.” she said, lifting her finger off the site of injection and moving to clean her hands and the tool. Thrawn touched his arm, rubbing it subconsciously.  
“I do not understand,” he admitted.  
“Nor do I,” she frowned, leaning on the counter. “Maybe Eli will have answers when he’s feeling better.” He nodded, standing and pulling his jacket on.  
“I should get back to the Thunderwasp.”  
She nodded, “You can stay here, if you’d like. You’d be closer to Eli.”  
He considered, his blood pressure rising. Stay? With her?  
“I couldn’t I-”  
Her comm went off, “Doc, Vanto’s blood pressure has fallen.”  
“Amp up the stabilizers and the R930.”  
“Affirmative.”  
Thrawn stared at her. He wouldn’t sleep, worrying about Vanto. She, clearly, got all of Vanto’s movements reported to her at all hours. Knowing that she’d be contacted at the smallest change in Eli’s health might just be the thing to help him sleep  
“If it wouldn’t be too much of an intrusion.”  
“Of course not.”   
Thrawn took a deep breath, following her to the side of the frigate that contained the crews’ quarters. She grabbed a few articles of clothing from a drawer in the hall on their way. She unlocked the door, switching on the light. Her quarters were similar to his in size, a modest kitchenette and a sitting area in front of them. She set her things down on the counter, gesturing to the room.  
“This is my palace.”  
The couch had a blanket on the back of it, a nearby desk covered in reports and hand sketches and diagrams, math equations on the corners. Her items were varying shades of blue and black, including that of the blanket over her bed Thrawn could see in the reflection of her viewport.  
“Please, make yourself comfortable,” she said, walking across the sitting room to a door beside the couch, “Bathroom’s here, you can take a shower if you want, my room is just through here,” she said, walking across the sitting room, “You can have the bed, I’ll take the couch.”  
“No.” Thrawn said firmly. “I will sleep on the couch. Its not a problem.”  
She looked like she was going to argue, but Thrawn was unwavering. “Fine,” she sighed, “but wake me for whatever, ok? I’ll leave the door open so you can hear my comm if I get word about Eli.”  
He blinked. Observant. “Thank you.”  
She smirked, “I got you these, They should fit. It’ll be more comfortable than sleeping in your uniform.” She set the clothes on the counter.   
“Thank you.”   
“Of course. Goodnight.”  
She swept into her room and Thrawn took the clothes on the table, heading into the bathroom. He took off his uniform, folding it gently on the counter before pulling on the standard issue medical clothes. She was right, they were more comfortable than his uniform, but not by much. Overwashed, the faded gray pants were scratchy and starchy, as was the matching gray shirt. They smelled of medical grade disinfectant and bacta, and Thrawn opted to wear his own undershirt, to avoid inhaling the scent all night.  
When he came out the couch was folded out into a bed, the blanket from the back and a few pillows placed on top. He smiled to himself, sitting on it.  
It was far more comfortable than it looked. In place of the hard military issue mattresses, this was a sort of foam that hugged the body.   
She turned out her light and he followed suit, falling quickly asleep.  
\----------------------------------  
“What do you mean?” her voice penetrated Thrawn’s sleep, slowly dragging him into consciousness. He looked at his chrono. 4:00. He blinked, sitting up and trying to focus his sleep addled mind on what she was saying.   
“No, Conroy, he doesn’t need surgery. We have never had to go to the extreme of an laprostatic flush. Its a hyperacute manifestation of Venerin and I-”  
A man responded, and Thrawn rose, walking over to the doorframe. He gave her a questioning look and she waved him in. Her small light was on, and she turned on another so Thrawn could see better. He stood awkwardly before the bed, listening to their medical jargon lashing one another. She pat the bed, inviting him to sit, and he did so, precariously on the edge. He’d never seen another’s private quarters. Ever. In the ascendancy it was considered the highest privacy, the closest he’d seen in the empire was Eli’s bunk above his own. But that was a cold, clinical bunk. This was her bedroom, far more intimate. Thrawn wrung his hands.  
“Conroy, I have Commander Thrawn here, Ensign Vanto’s commanding officer. Since he is devoid of any other guardians, I suggest we let him decide since Ensign Vanto is unable to do so himself.”  
“Alright.”  
Thrawn watched her face, swallowing. He wasn’t entirely sure what he’d just heard.  
“Commander,” she began, “Eli… she hesitated, “Eli’s vital signs are falling, his organs are beginning to fail. Doctor Conroy suggests we flush Eli’s system surgically to rid his body of the poison. I, on the other hand, believe a blood transfusion would be far less invasive and traumatic to Eli’s already weakened body. I also believe the flush would be a waste, as he had already absorbed the poison when he got here. There is no residual poison to flush.”  
Thrawn thought, and she watched his face. “I will not be offended. I want you to make a decision you're comfortable with.” she said, muting the comm.  
“You are certain this surgery would not help?”  
She nodded curtly. “I think it could kill him.”  
Thrawn took a deep breath and nodded, taking the comm.  
“Doctor Conroy this is Commander Thrawn. I do not wish for Ensign Vanto to have any surgical intervention at this time.”  
There was a pause. “Whatever you say, commander.” He said with airy sarcasm.  
She took the comm back and paged the desk. “Doc?”  
“Can you watch Conroy? He’s been denied for surgery on Vanto by Commander Thrawn, I want to ensure it stays that way. Nothing is to be done to Vanto unless I explicitly say so.”  
“Yes, ma’am.”  
She set the comm down, her hands massaging her temples.  
“You trust this man to watch Vanto?”  
She nodded, “with my life.”  
Thrawn looked around the room awkwardly.   
“Eli is going to be okay, Thrawn,” she said, looking up at him with surprising conviction.   
“It certainly doesn’t sound like it,” he said quietly.   
“I know that, but he is. Trust me.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thrawn's past sneaks up on him, and the rigidity of the Chiss culture plants its doubts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I took some canonical liberties here with Thrawn's past, dipping into some legends stuff from the old Thrawn books, but overall, remains respectful to the origin canon works.

Thrawn jolted awake, the door to the bathroom opening. Linnia exited, her hair hanging around her shoulders in damp tendrils over her jumpsuit.   
"Morning," she greeted, walking into the kitchen.   
"Good morning," thrawn replied, rubbing his hands over his face. He was usually such a light sleeper… how'd she get by him without waking up?  
"Caff?"  
"Please," his voice was gravelly, and he cleared his throat.   
"Would it be alright if I took a shower?" He asked.  
"Totally, take as long as you want."  
"Thank you."   
He walked into the bathroom, shedding the medical issue lounge wear. He turned on the water, closing his eyes in the warmth.  
He thought of the previous night. He’d never spent time in another’s quarters, not really. Briefly, to pick something up or the like, but he’d never spent the night somewhere. The chiss didn't even visit one another's homes often. They'd meet in a common place. Visiting homes was reserved for family and very close friends. Humans were far less clear with boundaries. Some homes had to be visited or one would be considered rude, others were an honor. Some one would visit and sudden rumors of an affair would sprout up and destroy a career. He'd spent the night on her couch, entered her bedroom uninvited when her comm had gone off, sat on her bed… had he taken too many liberties? The chiss would have been horrified at such a display of behavior. Even close friends didn't intrude on one anothers' bedrooms like he had. The humans were more lax on such things, but of such personal cultural norms, he didn’t know for certain. A new air of embarrassment and doubt fogged his mind. Did he allow himself to get too comfortable? Let his guard down too much?   
He scrubbed the grime and sweat of the previous day from his body, washing his hair and turning off the water hurriedly. He couldn’t enjoy the shower while wondering such things.  
He got dressed, rejoining her in the kitchen with renewed self consciousness. She was sitting at the island, her cup of caff in her hand.   
"Eli is responding really well to the new medication and the blood transfusion." She said.  
Thrawn closed his eyes. "That is excellent news."  
She smiled, "he's going to be just fine."   
Thrawn stood by the counter, unsure if he should stay, if he should help...   
"Would you like to visit Eli with me?" She asked. He wasn’t sure by her tone if there was some sort of underlying meaning to the question.  
He nodded, and she handed him his mug of caff.  
He looked into the mug. Black.   
She remembered.  
He pulled on his shoes and followed her along the winding corridors back to Eli's room, preparing himself for what might have happened over night. Linnia, however, pulled the door open without hesitation, sweeping in to read monitors.  
Eli looked worse. More tubes and wires were sticking out of him, his nose red and cracked around the breathing tube sticking out of it. His chest was exposed, one of the tubes going into his chest just below his collar bone. He was awake, though, and looked at Linnia as she spoke.  
"Morning, Eli," she smiled, looking at her datapad. Thrawn stood by the door, trying to stay out of her way.   
"Mornin'," Eli murmured. She touched his chest, checking the tubes. He turned to face her, murmuring something Thrawn didn't catch.   
"Thrawn’s actually right there." She said and Eli looked over.   
"Commander?" He said quietly.  
"On which side will I not be in your way?" Thrawn asked Linnia. She pointed to the side opposite her, and he sat in the chair. Eli looked over, Linnia pulling one if the tubes from his arm, making him wince.  
"'M surprised you’re ‘ere." He murmured, watching Linnia stick him in the thigh with some sort of medication.  
"Why?" Thrawn asked.  
"Thunderwasp."  
Thrawn shook his head, "I promised you I would stay."  
Eli laughed weakly, "you have stuff, Thrawn, I know that. I was just… confused. Erythin’ was fuzzy."  
"Regardless. You wanted me to stay, so I did."  
Eli looked over at Linnia. "Thank you. The medic... he tol’ me ‘bout what you've done."  
She shook her head, "I'm just happy you're feeling better."   
He smiled, that crooked, haphazard Eli smile that Thrawn loved, and Thrawn took a breath. His first glimpse of the real Eli since this ordeal had begun. Relief flooded Thrawn’s worry, giving him renewed hope. He was going to be ok.  
"They told me I was poisoned." Eli said, the fogginess seeming to clear as his speech grew more fluid.   
"Yes." Thrawn said, his eyes finding Eli’s. "I, however, was not."  
Linnia looked at them both. "Have any enemies?"  
Eli snorted. "Who isn't your enemy, Thrawn?"  
Thrawn remained stoic.  
"Well, since it was only Eli,” Linnia amended, “who would benefit from Eli being gone?"  
Eli looked over. "Ghadi tried to solicit me for a position once, to get me away from Thrawn. He thinks Thrawn would fail without me."  
Thrawn frowned. He hadn't told him that much.  
"Thrawn." Eli said, looking over with a spark in his expression. "I know who did it."

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thrawn shifted, waking. The monitors’ incessant beeping had been silenced for the night so Eli could sleep, but it didn’t help Thrawn. His neck was cramped and he massaged it, trying to straighten it. The pain radiated into the side of his head, pounding. Linnia was working and he hadn’t seen her again once she’d left Eli’s room to visit her other patients. Given their newfound understanding of the incident, Thrawn didn’t want to return to the Thunderwasp just yet. He looked over, and Linnia was in the doorframe.  
“How long have you stood there?”   
“Who do you think woke you?”  
He looked back at Eli.   
“Why don’t you come to my place instead of killing yourself in that chair?”  
Thrawn pursed his lips. He’d gone far beyond what his instincts, his own culture, had taught him. “I do not wish to intrude.”  
“Don’t be ridiculous.”  
She nodded toward the doorframe and he stared. “Are you certain?”  
She crossed her arms and he stiffened. He’d said the wrong thing.  
“If you’d like I can have a room made up for you instead.”  
His mind raced. What did she want him to do? He wasn’t entirely sure. Eli’s advice float into his mind about neutral answers when he wasn’t sure in a political situation.  
“I am honored to stay with you, but if I am an intrusion I’m happy to stay elsewhere.”  
“You’re not an intrusion.”  
He nodded, “thank you.”  
“Come on,” she said with a half smile and he followed her into the hall.   
They followed the same trend as the day prior, fewer words between them than previous. Linnia’s door was shut when thrawn climbed into her fold out.  
\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
 _"You are far too reckless, Thrawn. You endanger the family." Thrass said, his brows knit together. He’d always been far more attractive than Thrawn, his poised arms crossed over his chest, his hair hanging around his shoulders.  
Thrawn crossed his arms. "Brother, everything I do is for the Ascendency. If the Ascendency falls into harm's way, there will be no family."   
Thrass' face fell, melting away into that of a skeleton returned to the ascendency in a body bag, the blaster the only identifier.  
"This is your doing, Thrawn" Thurfian’s voice echoed, the body of his brother staring up at him. "If you'd listened, Thrass would still live. If you didn’t think you were so superior to everyone, Thrass would be alive!"  
Thrawn shook his head, “no, no I… I didn’t mean for this to happen.”   
"You're a disgrace, Thrawn." Thurfian’s enraged features directed down at him, his voice echoing in Thrawn’s head. “A disgrace!”  
Thrawn put his hands over his ears, turning, suddenly, toward the viewport of the Thunderwasp, his brother looking back at him in place of his own reflection.   
"You've done it again. You’ve done to Eli what you've done to me. You'll lead them all to their deaths, and you’re too blind to see it."   
Thrawn blinked and Thrass was replaced by his skeleton, falling to Thrawn's feet, grasping at his ankles, "you did this! You killed me!" It wailed, it's hollowed out eyes looking up at him.  
Thrawn’s voice died in his throat, backing away from the corpse.   
It turned to Eli’s his skin falling away at the bone. “This is your fault, Thrawn! You leave a path of ruined lives in your wake.”  
“No!” Thrawn cried, and fell backward off the bridge and into the nothingness of space._

Thrawn woke with a start, soaked in his own sweat. He huffed, looking around the room. It was silent, empty, leaving just him and his quickened breath and shaking hands.   
"Thrawn?"  
He flinched, looking over at the door. Linnia was leaned around the doorframe.   
"I woke you. I apologize," he said breathily, looking away.  
"Don't." She said quietly. "are you alright?"  
He nodded, "I am."  
She hesitated. "Can I help somehow? Do you want to talk about it?"  
He shook his head, "no. Thank you."   
She flicked on the dim light and he squint in the brightness.  
"Can I make you a cup of tea?"  
He looked up at her but she was already on the move, turning on the kettle she had in the kitchenette. He put his head in his hands. It had been a while since he'd had that nightmare. Thrass had died years ago… he’d though perhaps he was done punishing himself for that, but Eli... it was too similar.  
"Have you heard anything about Ensign Vanto?"  
She shook her head. "No, but in this business no news is good news."   
He bobbed his head. He hoped.  
"Rega." She called into her comm and Thrawn looked up.  
"Yes ma'am?"  
"How is Ensign Vanto?"  
"I'm with him now. His blood work looks great, he's getting a little snappy with the breathing tube." She said and she could hear Eli's murmurings in the background, making her smirk.  
"How is Eli's oxygen?"  
"Ninety nine percent saturation ma'am."  
"Pull it out, if it averages below ninety it goes back in."  
"Yes ma'am."  
"Thanks doc," Eli drawled over the comm, and Rega hung up.   
Thrawn dipped his head, "thank you."   
She poured them two mugs of tea, sitting on the opposite side of the fold out. He looked over at her, sipping her tea.  
"You do not have to… amuse me."  
She looked at him. "You don't want my company?"  
He shook his head, "on the contrary, I do. I simply don't want you to feel obligated."  
"When I feel obligated I'll let you know."   
He waited for a follow up comment, but she had none, turning on the holo.  
"I saw something that made me think of you."  
Thrawn’s mind flashed to all of the cruelty he'd heard following that statement, but folded. "What is it?"  
A program appeared on the holo. A walkthrough of an art museum in the corellian system.  
He looked over at her, searching for any sort of malice or amusement, but she had none.  
"Art?" He asked quietly.  
"Yes. Do you not like it anymore?" She asked bemused.  
"I do. Thank you."   
She explained where she'd seen it and what she'd watched of it. She sipped her tea, dimming the lights.   
He talked to her about the art, answering her occasional questions. He finished his tea, leaning back and watching the program. No one aside from Eli had ever gone out of their way for him before. She’d risen, gotten him tea, and selected material she knew would soothe him without a moment’s hesitation. Not even as a small child had someone gone to any lengths to comfort him, and here he thought comforting was a synonym for patronizing.  
His hand tightened around the mug. He could get used to it.   
\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
He woke, Linnia fast asleep beside him. The holo was buzzing in the background, having restarted the program again. She was curled in an uncomfortable position, the blanket tossed haphazardly over the both of them some time in the night. She wasn't touching him; the futon was large for two people who were used to small military bunks, but she was close enough for him to feel the edge of the warmth radiating from her. He moved his arm closer to her, enveloping more of him in the warmth of her, and watched the rise and fall of her body as she breathed. He'd never allowed himself such an indulgence. Asleep, he could truly study her, the curvature of her cheek, the intricate waves of her dark hair. He saw the edge of the scar again over her shoulder, puckered and raised. His finger brushed the fabric of her shirt, and he pulled away. She offered him companionship, support, trust. He could destroy it all with one wrong statement, one misstep. A statement or misstep he was sure to never see coming... but he would do what he could to prevent it all the same.  
She stirred, rolling over to face him. She looked up at him, bleary eyed.   
"Guess we fell asleep."  
He looked at the holo and back at her. "So we did."   
She sat up, rubbing her eyes.   
“Did you finish it?” She asked, nodding to the holo.  
He had. Twice.   
“Yes.” he said, “I appreciate you sharing it with me.”  
She smiled. "Let's have some caff and take a look at Eli."  
\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
She pulled the last wire from Eli, helping him into his shirt and his pants. The head medic from the Thunderwasp was present, talking with her about what Eli’s next steps were and what concerns remained.   
"I appreciate all the fuss, but I'm fine. Just need more sleep." Eli added, struggling into his jacket.  
Linnia rolled her eyes. "You better listen to what you're told and stay put, Ensign Vanto."  
He smirked, "yes, ma'am. Thank you."  
She squeezed his shoulder and he followed the medic slowly into the hall toward the Thunderwasp..   
"It was really great to see you, to clear things up." She said, her eyes sparkling in the light.  
"I agree," Thrawn said. "Thank you, for everything."  
She nodded, "absolutely."   
Thrawn turned toward the hallway to follow Eli back to the Thunderwasp. Now for catching the culprit behind the entire operation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next time: Thrawn and Eli have a talk, Karyn joins the crew.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thrawn and Eli hope to catch their culprit, Thrawn struggles with understanding relationships without motives

The ‘ding’ indicating someone was at the door interrupted Thrawn from his thoughts. He closed the art holograms before him on his desk.   
He pushed the little button, the seal on the hatch releasing, and Scofi walked inside.   
“You asked to see me, Sir?”  
"Yes," thrawn said. "Have a seat, if you would."  
Scofi sat before thrawns desk, swallowing.   
"Ensign vanto remains in critical care, but has returned to the ship." Thrawn began. "Being next in command, this indicates increased responsibility while ensign vanto recovers."  
Scofi nodded eagerly, fear still glimmering in his eyes. "yes, ofcourse, I won't disappoint you sir."  
"I would hope not." Thrawn said coolly. "Ensign vantos condition is fragile. This could become permanent should vanto unfortunately not recover."   
"Yes sir. I understand."  
"I'm sure you do."  
Scofi left as quickly as he’d come, the hatch sliding shut behind him. Thrawn was fully aware this was entrapment, but he didn’t particularly care. Thrawn didn’t have the patience for the game Scofi was trying to play, and was clearly fine with treading on dangerous ground.  
That was alright. There were certain games Thrawn excelled at.  
\---------------------------------------------------------------------

Eli was lying facing the wall, away from the door, but he knew Scofi was outside before the door slid open.  
Scofi stood there in the light of the hallway, hesitating. Despite confrontation not being his thing, Eli was rarely scared during one. This time, however, he was.   
He was helpless.   
He trusted Thrawn, of course, with his life, even, but feeling so out of control… he was shaking. If this went south, it could be the end of him.  
Scofi’s silence stretched on, making Eli wonder if he was even still there. He almost rolled over to see, but just before he did…  
“Vanto?”  
Eli pretended to stir, which wasn't so difficult in his present condition.   
"Scofi?" He pretended to sound surprised.  
Scofi let the hatch close behind him, leaving them in the dark, the only light cast from Eli's datapad on the table, blinking with the hundreds of messages he’d received in his week away.   
Scofi didn't move, still in the dark.   
"Scofi?" Eli prompted again.  
"My parents, my parents always told me that my sister was the brains of the family.” He started shakily, and Eli swallowed. “That I couldn't do anything with myself. I was stupid. I was too nervous."  
Eli stiffened. Scofi had moved, but where, Eli wasn't sure.  
"What are you getting at?" ELi asked, trying to track the man’s steps.  
"I really like you, Eli. I don't want it to be like this." He murmured. "but I need you to stay away. I need you to be unable to return to duty."  
"Scofi." He said nervously, "you don't have to do anything."  
"I do."   
He heard the flick of a stormtrooper baton, and the swing of it arcing through the air.  
The sheet below Eli shifted, pulling him onto the floor beside the bed, the baton just missing him and hitting the pillow. Eli spilled to the floor, Thrawn catching him. Hed been lying beside the bed, recording.  
Thrawn stood, stunning Scofi. He drew his blaster and fired, already set to stun.   
Eli was panting, his head resting on the carpet.   
"Thank the maker for your infrared." He breathed. “I dodn’t know where he was.  
Thrawn didn't respond, instead scooping Eli up and putting him back on the bed.  
"I apologize for pulling you on the ground." He said.  
"You saved me, no apology necessary."  
Eli smiled. If it had been anyone else, they could’ve simply had them arrested or transferred, but Scofi was the son of a governor, a popular one. They now had the tangible evidence necessary to lock up even him.   
Thrawn didn’t seem pleased, though. Over the years, Eli had come to recognize Thrawn’s stressed expression. It was hardly different than his usual stoicism, but Eli had learned that his eyes held all the answers.  
“What’s wrong?”  
Thrawn looked away. "I am alright."  
"You're not. Is it him?"  
Thrawn’s eyes were trained on the floor, red cast on Eli’s blanket. "Your suffering is the result of my naivety. I will not allow you to be a pawn again."  
"Thrawn I'm always gonna be a pawn, and so are you. Everyone is trying to make someone work to their advantage. It's not your fault. It was an accident."  
"If I had-"  
"No, Thrawn." Eli said firmly. "No. It was out of your control. What was in your control was what happened after, and you never left the frigate. Linnia told me. I'm thankful for everything you've done."   
Thrawn didn't move, focusing on the same spot on the floor, stained slightly with Eli's blood.   
"I have drafted a letter to have you transferred."  
Eli sat up. “What?”  
"You would be safe, and out of my shadow."  
Thrawn said, pained.  
"I don't want to be either of those things when I don't believe in what I'm doing. I wanna work with you. I've learned more from you than I could in a lifetime elsewhere, and, who's gonna keep you out of trouble with the politicians?" He asked with a smirk. "Toss the letter. Were a team."  
“Vanto I-”  
“Toss it.”

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
"Halo Medical Frigate  
Doctor Linnia Remda  
General Physician  
CONFIDENTIAL

Thrawn,  
I figured now that you’re the Commander and no one can take your messages from you, I’d give this another go. I got word that Captain Scofi was arrested. It seems your suspicions were correct, and that Eli was correct in identifying his attempted murderer. I’m impressed, but not surprised.   
It was really good to see you, and to clear the air. I'm happy all of that was a misunderstanding and that it's behind us now.  
Keep in touch.  
Linnia

Thrawn sighed, setting his datapad down and resting his head in his hands. He was tired. Tired was such an underwhelming word for how he felt. Eli, linnia, scofi… so much had happened that weighed on his mind and got him thinking about what he was really doing here anymore. He was here for the chiss, for the ascendancy… but what was he staying for? What was he working to protect? He didn't give a damn about the empire…  
These people, they seemed to care for him. Why, he hadn't the slightest idea. No one had ever really cared about him without expecting something in return, whether it be clout or information, they were done with him once he'd served his purpose.  
Eli had every opportunity to leave him, if anything he should have wanted to do so, thrawn was ruining his career as he said, why did he stay? What could he gain? It was the same with linnia and karyn, they gained nothing from him, so why did they continue? He didn't offer anything in comparison to the companionship of other humans, that he knew. People didn't understand him, he got odd looks and backhanded comments. He was told he was humorless and cold. He saw no reason they should be loyal to him. To care. 

“To: Halo Medical Frigate  
Doctor Linnia Remda  
General Physician  
CONFIDENTIAL

Linnia,

I appreciate your assistance with ensign vanto. He is doing well, and I assure you I have personally overseen his compliance to your recommendations. I know he grows stronger, because his sarcasm returns with every passing day. 

Thank you for writing me, and for…"

He paused. For not abandoning him? For reassuring him that, in this particular incident, he had not been tossed to the wayside? 

"For your letter."

He stared at it. It wasn't exactly poetic, but he left art to the professionals.

"-Thrawn"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is a little short, I've been busy at work, but I'll be back in full swing with the next one :) thanks for reading and for all your reviews I adore them :)


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eli has gone to join the Ascendancy, and Thrawn begins to question why he remains with the Empire. To clear his mind, Thrawn seeks some time off and some companionship

Karyn rolled over, slamming her hand into the comm.  
"Faro."  
"It's Thrawn. He's in the dojo." Hammerly said, her words slurring. It was 3 am.  
"Again?"   
Silence.  
"Alright. Faro out."  
She grunted and pulled on her robe, kicking her feet into her untied boots and heading off. This was the only time she could hear her own footsteps in this corridor, the busiest corridor on the Chimera. But now it's lofty, shined surface gleamed, devoid of any evidence of life. She pushed open the door to the dojo. Thrawn had a fighting stick in his hand, going over drills in quick precise succession. He was entirely soaked in sweat, beads flying off his head and onto the mat with each strike.   
She opened her mouth to speak, but he turned.   
"Why is it you continue to join me each time I come here?" He asked, his eyes finding her. But they weren't their usual vibrance. They were dull, fogged by exhaustion.  
"The crew, sir, they worry about you."  
He half smiled, a dangerous, jaded smile full of contempt. "Please, Commodore."  
She pursed her lips.   
"Is there something I can help you with? Whatever's keeping you up?"  
"I simply need less sleep than humans." He said, hitting the dummy with a _Thwack._  
"Is it a project?"  
 _Thwack._  
Was something said to you?"  
 _Thwack._  
"A nightmare?"  
He paused. He walked over to the wall, setting the stick down and lifting his towel. He was thinking, that she knew. The man was always calculating, cautious.  
He started toward the hallway and Karyn followed. "Sir, I know it has been hard for you, for all of us, since Vanto vanished but, I do want you to know what I said was sincere. The crew does care about your well being, sir."   
He stopped.   
"Thank you, Commodore." He said quietly.  
"Of course, sir. And know that I am always available should you wish to discuss anything, on or off the clock."  
He nodded once, curtly, and left her staring after him, his footsteps nearly silent.  
\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_Thrawn,  
I know this doesn't even begin to compare to your journal, but I wanted to offer you a little advice myself. There are things I've happened to observe as well.  
Don't let yourself get caught up in politics. I know it scares you, but it's going to come up and bite you one day if you ignore it. You have allies, Karyn, Hammerly, Linnia, Yularen.  
I know that, somewhere in there, Linnia means a lot to you. Her letters bring a light to your eyes that nothing else does (except maybe art). you've told me a lot about the unforgiving politics of the chiss in everything, but humans are more forgiving. Don't be afraid to talk to her, to take some risks. You deserve to think about yourself sometimes. Just go with what you do know instead of what you don’t.   
Maybe I misread you, if so forgive me, I'm just wishing you some happiness.   
Good luck, Thrawn. I owe you everything.  
Eli_

Thrawn growled and set his datapad down. He'd read Eli's letter more times than he cared. He wasn't sure what it was Eli wanted him to do to accomplish his wishes, but without him present to ground his thoughts, Thrawn found himself floating about the rest, unsure of how to sort his own thoughts from those he imagined others to have. Reading people had always been his downfall, yes, but now, now that he’d experienced what it was like to have a buffer, a translator almost between him and everyone else, it was almost painful to have to return to his own futile efforts.  
He didn’t know what he was doing.   
If he could somehow work alone, or without the pressures and constructs of others…  
He stopped himself. It wasn’t possible so why contemplate it?  
He rubbed his hands over his face. He hadn’t slept again. Karyn had, of course, come to check on him, and only then did he realize how late it had been. His nightmares since Eli had gone had grown more vivid, more violent.  
This time, Ar’Alani and Eli had died by the hands of the Empire, and he needed this time to sort through his thoughts.

Don't be afraid to talk to her, to take some risks. You deserve to think about yourself sometimes.

Thrawn had never once thought about himself. His mind always diverted to what he wanted was what the Ascendancy wanted, because without the Ascendancy there would be no Thrawn. He owed them everything, every thought, every drop of blood and sweat he spilled was for them.   
But he was alone. Eli was gone, and for the first time, he felt truly alone.   
He sighed. He needed to get space from the crew, the Chimera, the Empire.   
He needed air.   
He looked at his calendar. He and Faro had to attend a charity gala on Coruscant in two days time, then he was free for the following week, the week of the Chiss holiday, Ascension day.   
_Take some risks.  
Think about yourself._

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Thrawn buttoned the final button on his tunic, pressing the sealing strip. He wore his formal uniform reserved for such events. He dread this event, but at least this time he wouldn't be attending alone. Faro was attending as well but due to politics, they could not attend together, even as casual teammates.   
He walked out into the sitting room of the hotel suite, and sat on the sofa. He’d purchased the presidential suite, the one with two separate bedrooms with their own freshers. In the center, beneath the crystal chandelier was the circular sofa and the large kitchenette. The room was gold and white marble from head to toe, fresh flowers in a half dozen vases throughout the suite. It was gorgeous, but marred by what was to come.  
He tapped his foot. The last time he attended a gala at this venue was when Korma had left him in the alcove. He frowned. He disliked the attention he got at these events. He was the only alien, and it was made clear.  
The door to the other bedroom slid open and Linnia stepped out. The back of the gown was to the floor, the front to her knees. It's black glitter shone blue in the light, her hair curled and pulled to one side. She wore makeup, her heels making her several inches taller.   
Thrawn swallowed. All this was for him.   
No. It was for the politics of the party.   
What was the next step? Eli had told him to go with what he knew.  
"You look great." She smiled.  
"As do you." He said, his voice softer than he wished.  
"You ready?"   
He sighed. "I suppose I am."  
They walked to the lift, riding it down in silence. When it opened, people had cocktails, gathered in the grand entrance, a large chandelier above them.   
He watched other couples, noticing the women had their arms around the men's. Was it rude not to? He wasn't sure. She was looking around, her eyes glimmering in the light with a small sense of awe.  
“Would you like to remain out here or find our seats?”  
She looked up at him, taking his elbow as she searched the room.  
“Its up to you, I don’t care.”  
They made their way into the ballroom, the many tables scattered throughout the large ballroom covered in glimmering wine glasses and towering floral displays.  
Thrawn looked down at his seating card, finding their table. Thrawn pulled out Linnia’s chair, watching Yularen’s face grow steadily more curious, more amused.   
"Admiral Thrawn." Yularen greeted.   
"Colonel Yularen, this is Doctor Linnia Remda."  
"An absolute pleasure." He greeted and she inclined her head.   
"It's a pleasure."   
Governor warner joined them along with Karyn and her date, first weapons officer, Shyri.   
"Commodore Faro, this is Doctor Linnia Remda." He said, watching her face for surprise. He saw it flash across her features briefly before it disappeared.  
"It's so wonderful to meet you. Please, call me Karyn."  
"Linnia. It's wonderful to meet you as well."  
Linnia smiled, touching Thrawn’s arm gently. "Between Thrawn and Vanto, I feel like I already know you."   
"I'm honored."   
Thrawn poured her a glass of champagne, setting it gently before her. She was still speaking to faro, her hand resting on Thrawn's forearm. It was so casual, but his heart was pounding in his ears. In front of others it felt so intimate. He felt giddy, like a little boy.   
He looked into his wine glass.   
"Tell me, Linnia, how did you come to meet Admiral Thrawn?" Yularen asked.  
"Thrawn and I actually met in the academy."   
"Really?" He smiled, sipping his wine.  
"Yes. We lost touch when I was injured and had to quit the academy for a time, but we're back to where we were then." She smiled, looking back at him. She was so terribly good at this. At playing the game. Politics.  
“How wonderful,” he responded, draining his glass and rising in search of another, leaving Thrawn with Linnia and Faro.   
"How are you doing?" Linnia asked and Thrawn raised an eyebrow. She crossed her leg toward him, her arm resting on the back of her chair.   
"I know you hate these."  
He smiled slightly. "I'm doing well. Your presence assures so." He admitted.   
She smiled. "Good. That was my goal. I hope I haven't said too much-"  
"No. Thank you."   
She sipped her champagne.   
Others joined them at that table, including the boisterous Governor of some distant colony that Thrawn had been careful to avoid in the past. Yularen kept him and his wife occupied, for the most part, allowing him to enjoy the music and the solitude Linnia allowed with her careful and calculated conversation with the others. She was like Eli, she knew how and when to say things. But as the meal progressed and the attendees grew more intoxicated, manners made way for more blunt conversation and dancing styles.  
Thrawn watched on occasion for any signs of boredom or misery on Linnia’s face, but she seemed content, chatting with Faro about some kind of machinery the frigate had just received. Faro had an appreciation for technology and its progression, and the medical field was at the forefront of such advances. Thrawn was listening as well, the machine’s abilities extraordinary.   
Yularen left the table quietly, and the governor looked over at them with a smirk that spelled trouble.  
"How did Thrawn blackmail you into joining him tonight, Doctor?" The governor asked, making himself and the others laugh. Karyn frowned.   
"I asked admiral thrawn to be my date." She said firmly.   
The governor laughed, and thrawn looked down at her, mild surprise in his gaze. What?  
She turned to Thrawn, "Can we…?"  
He inclined his head. "Excuse us." he said Before leading her away.  
The governor called to their backs, some kind of excuse about joking and not to be offended, but they tuned him out.  
"Why did you lie?"  
She sighed, "Thrawn, he was insinuating that you couldn't actually get me to come unless you held something over my head. It was to prove otherwise."  
He nodded. "I apologize."  
She frowned. "Why?"  
"My attendance at events tends to bring these types of confrontations. I'm yet to attend one without incident."  
"Don't apologize. Its not your doing and I don't mind." She grinned. "Lets go dance."  
"Dance?"  
She pulled him toward the floor.   
"It's a slow song, it's easy." She promised, quickly positioning his hand on her waist. Her warm hand found his shoulder and be stared at her, wide eyed.  
"I only know Chiss dances."  
"So let's do a Chiss dance." She said, as if it were nothing at all. As if he wouldn't look even more out of place.   
"Teach me."   
He took her hand, warm under his own cold one, moving it higher to his neck. He explained it was very similar to their own waltz, leading her. It had a surprising step between, one that made her laugh in surprise.   
He looked back at the table, the governor watching with mild surprise.   
"Do you find my appearance unnerving?" He asked softly. He wasn’t sure what made him ask, but the stares and snickers of others that were meant to be his colleagues had a way of cracking his shell… of making him feel alone.  
"Not at all." She said, looking out over the room.   
"Do you find mine unnerving?"  
"No. To humans, my features are harsh in comparison to yours." He explained.  
She shook her head. “Your appearance isn’t unnerving to anyone. Your intelligence is. They’re threatened by you, by your lack of respect for the game of politics. You can’t be bribed or swayed.”  
He looked away thoughtfully, leading her across the floor. Dances were required in the Chiss military educational format, ensuring they wouldn’t make the Ascendancy look foolish at events. She followed the best she could, stumbling around a bit, but she didn’t seem concerned, so he continued. The song ended, and they looked back at the table, the governor drunkenly talking to Karyn and Shyri.  
“The balcony is open.”  
He looked over, the door open out onto the pillared balcony, and he nodded. She followed him, the cool breeze of the night air helping to lift some of the weight of the night off of his chest. The sounds of traffic and the party battled on either side of them, leaving them in their strange world between the two, white noise and fresh air.  
"Thank you for coming."  
"Thank you for asking me."  
She leaned against the stone rail.   
"Tell me about your life back with the Chiss."  
He paused. Her expression seemed to hold interest, curiosity. "I was born on a planet called Rentor to a poor family. He said quietly. "I got the attention of and was adopted by a very influential family, which is common in my culture."  
She looked up at him. "Your family, what are they like?"  
He pursed his lips. "Chiss families are not like human families. They do not support one another unconditionally. It is more of an alliance of convenience, and when it is not convenient, it becomes more of a challenge."  
She frowned. "I'm sorry. That sounds terrible."  
“It is difficult. Everything is dictated by politics and political standing, Never by merit.”  
"May I ask you a question?"   
She nodded, the starlight glimmering in her eyes.  
"What was the cause of your accident?"  
She looked away, "I went on a training assignment on a medical frigate with other classmates. On the way back, the ship was attacked by pirates. The wall beside me was blown out, the brunt of it taken by my friend, who was killed. Most died, but myself and the other survivors were badly injured. I was in bacta for nearly six months. They were sure I would die.”  
He stared at her, unsure of what to say. She didn’t let him worry long.  
"Do you want to leave? I think it's an appropriate time people seem to be leaving," She said.  
Thrawn closed his eyes briefly. "Yes. If that is what you would like to do as well."  
"Yes. I hate crowds." She laughed, looking up at him.  
They said their goodbyes to Karyn and Yularen and head upstairs. The usual same governors and generals stayed at the bar, hanging heavily over chairs and one another. A couple was making out in the same alcove where Thrawn had allowed Korma to make his move, and he clenched his jaw.  
How desperate he had been for some sort of reassurance. Affection. He looked over at Linnia. How was this any different? He was still trying to win someone’s care, he was trying to fill the void Eli had left. He’d convinced her to go on a short trip with him, in celebration of Ascension day. The Chimera was planetside for the week, he had no other duties, so he gave his crew the week to rest… why shouldn’t he? He needed to get away from the empire for a time, things were getting sticky and he needed some space to reset his perspective, what was wrong with having Linnia join him? He trusted her and Faro, that was all, and Faro was his subordinate. Linnia gave him perspective. She didn’t care about the politics of anything, but she understood them, giving him a sounding board for his thoughts. She was the only person he’d come across that didn’t seem threatened by him, allowing him the space to think and absorb her thoughts and his own. It was like being with Ar’Alani again, in that regard.  
The exited the lift, an officer trying to open his hotel room with a half naked woman kissing his neck.  
"Quite a night." She smirked, diffusing the tension in his chest.   
She opened the door, immediately kicking her shoes off. She took off her shawl, the severe raised scar evident over her shoulder and down the low cut of the back of her dress.  
She turned and Thrawn averted his eyes.   
“I don’t know if you had any plans for the rest of the evening but I think I’ll turn in.”  
“I did not.” He said, searching her face for the unknown indicator of some insinuation he didn’t understand. But he didn’t see one, and she smiled instead.  
“Alright, goodnight, Thrawn. I’ll be sure to be packed by seven, like we talked about earlier.”  
“Yes. Goodnight.”  
She made her way into her side of the suit, leaving Thrawn. He sat on the couch his head in his hands.   
He knew what their sharing a hotel room implied, and something about it excited him. If only there has been one bed.  
He shook the thought, revolted with himself. They were friends. She brought him too much to risk destroying it with asking for more. What was it he wanted? The dreams beyond that of friendship were locked behind a wall that was crippling, give him glimpses and slips of what ifs. But why? What weakened this wall he'd built so carefully? He'd made himself promises when he'd waited for the empire to arrive on that forsaken planet. One of which was that he wouldn't grow attached to the Empire or it's goals. He hadn't thought about the people he'd meet, about Eli and Linnia and Karyn. If there was one thing he had learned it was waiting had its rewards. With time, answers would come to him. For now, his uncertainty had to yield to his duty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading and for all your lovely comments, they mean the world to me!


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thrawn takes Linnia on a mini vacation to celebrate a chiss holiday, and to try to get his priorities in line

“So where exactly are we going?”  
Thrawn ignored her, focusing on not crashing the speeder into a tree or missing the essential turn. The air was cool, the type of cool freshness you only got from forests. The crescent shaped campground was at the foot of a mountain, a spring nearby. They were entirely secluded from the outside world, unreachable and imperturbable. He saw the turn before a set of trees and turned to answer her.  
“A cabin of Commodore Faro’s family.” He called to her.   
He pulled the speeder through the trees and into the clearing, the snow peaked mountain looming over the small cabin in the distance. Her grip around his chest tightened.   
“Wow.” she marveled.   
He half smiled, gaining speed. He pulled the speeder up to the door, pulling the bags off the back before Linnia could argue with him. She didn’t however, staring at the mountain with her mouth hanging open.  
“Thrawn.”  
He turned off the speeder and head toward the door.  
“Thrawn!”  
She jogged after him, wrestling one of the bags from his hand. He feigned a fight.   
“Why didn’t you tell me how gorgeous this place was?”  
“I did not know. I was only told a small amount about it.” he lied. He’d wanted to surprise her, to see that look of wonder on her face.  
“I’m not much of a camper, you know,” she smirked. “I’m more of a hot tub and cozy bed person.”  
“I would hardly call this camping.”  
He pushed open the door, the chandelier before the staircase glittering in the sunlight streaming from the wall to ceiling windows throughout the cabin.  
She gasped, dropping the bag and allowing Thrawn to lift it again.  
“Thrawn!”   
He smirked, trudging up the stairs.  
She popped from room to room, looking at the luxury in each. Thrawn himself was in awe. Each and every surface was either gleaming white marble or a fine dark wood, adorned with gold leaf and crystals. It had to be one of if not the finest home he’d ever entered. The entire front of the house was glass, allowing a view of the snow peaked mountain outside their door. Deep bathtubs, larger than life beds round and half hidden with fine silk and netting. Antique hand made sofas of velvet with blankets tossed over the back. A large fireplace in each room, including before the claw footed tub.   
This was made for comfort and nothing else.  
“I may never leave,” she said dreamily, meeting him back in the hallway. He set her bags down.  
“I believe the Faro’s may disapprove, especially when they return here in the winter.” he looked around. “Have you selected a room?”  
She smirked. “Have you?”  
“You are my guest-”  
“We’re both guests,” she interrupted. You choose.”  
He half smiled and lifted his bag. “I’ll take this one he said, and pushed the dark wood door open.   
“Call me when you need me, I’ll be drowning myself in one of these glorious bathtubs.”  
\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Thrawn unpacked before heading downstairs and out into the yard. He’d seen a large fire pit just outside the backdoor, and hadn’t stopped thinking about it since. It had been a long time since he’d sat by a fire, and with this view, it was irresistible. Logs were stacked beside the back door, and luckily they happened to be dry. He added some dry leaves from nearby, and added them in. He pulled his fire starter from his pocket, igniting it and setting the tinder aflame.  
The seats beside the firepit were large, and had an angle intended for lounging. He did so, the angle of the seat not allowing for any other position, and stared into the flames. In the entire time he’d been in the imperial navy, he’d never taken more than a day or two of respite. The Chimera was always in sight, and his thoughts always on it. This time was for him. He felt himself veering off his intended course, being fished into the cesspool of the Empire and buying their gaslighting and propaganda. He was here for an express purpose. Learn about the empire, and then leave. What haunted him was this stardust death star contraption. If it were capable of what the rumors said, it would be a great threat to the universe, not just to the chiss, but to all. He couldn’t leave without knowing more of this contraption. This planet killer.   
The details, unlike the name and location of the wretched thing, were kept under lock and key. He’d tried every access code, every backdoor and every excuse in the book to no avail. He couldn’t leave with the knowledge of such a starship existing, he needed to leave with either knowledge of its weaknesses, intentions, and abilities, or destroy it before he goes.   
But destruction would be temporary. They had the knowledge of how to destroy entire worlds, they wouldn’t simply leave it. They’d start again. No one was safe from them now.  
He’d find a blueprint, a weakness of sorts, and arm the Chiss with the ability to defeat the death star if need be. He could be killed, but as long as the plans were transmitted, he was ok with that.  
He’d find those plans and return to Csilla.  
“You look very, very deep in thought for someone who is supposed to be relaxing.”   
Thrawn turned, Linnia falling into the chair beside him with her arms full of boxes.   
“Why can I not think while I relax?” He challenged.  
“Your glare was so intense I could swear you started the fire on that alone. That type of thinking is not relaxing.”  
He looked at the boxes and she popped one open. “Dinner by the fire?” She pulled a sausage fron a bag and stuck it on a long fork she must have found in the kitchen.  
Thrawn joined her, roasting his own.  
“So we’re here to celebrate Ascension Day, yes?”  
Thrawn nodded.  
“Tell me about it.”  
He checked on his sausage before returning it to the fire. “The Chiss believe themselves to be born for space travel, for exploration. Its in celebration of the day the Chiss finally ascended into space, beginning our legacy as travellers of the stars.”  
“That’s wonderful,” she smiled, “What do you usually do to celebrate?”  
Thrawn looked over at her, wrestling her sausage onto her plate.  
“Tell stories of our family’s past over a feast under the stars. There’s always a customary meal served but, even if I was certain of the ingredients, I’m certain most are unavailable here.”  
“You don’t know what you eat?”  
“I’ve never participated. Not with my family, that is.” SHe opened her mouth, but he already knew the question she’d ask. “I’ve never been invited to the Mitth family compound for it or any other holiday or event.”  
“So you’d celebrate it with your fellow soldiers?”  
He nodded. “We would eat whatever we could get our hands on and drink a frothed tea so creamy it was nearly a mousse.”  
She smiled, “now that sounds good.”  
He bit into his sausage.  
“Did you always want to be a soldier?”  
He looked into the fire. “I never thought of considering anything else. I was put into military school at a young age and was adopted by the Mitth, who came with heavy expectations of my career. It never seemed plausible to look back. But I care deeply for my people.” He said, biting his tongue. He’d said too much.  
“Did you always wish to be a doctor?”  
She looked away. “I never wanted to be a doctor.”  
He cocked his head.  
“I had my own dreams, but I was so afraid of failing, of being dependent. I always had myself convinced that I only had one chance, and if I failed that path, that was the end of me, of my potential. So I chose the safe road, each and every time, the one that guaranteed a job, the one that guaranteed I’d get in, and it lead me here, the safest, most stable job I could find. I let my cowardice guide me.” She said, looking over at him with a sad smile. “But I’m grateful for my life… I’m incredibly fortunate.”  
“You are a remarkably brave person.”  
She looked over at him, surprised.   
“You have survived and overcome incomprehensible obstacles. You’ve saved countless lives… don’t sell yourself short.”  
“That’s very kind,” she said quietly.  
“Its not. Its simply what is.”  
\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
 _“Thrawn! You’re here.” Ar’Alani smiled, gesturing for him to sit. He didn’t recognize the room or the chairs, but sat. Thrass was to his left, Thalias his right. Thurfian was across from him, smiling.  
“We’ve been waiting for you to join us,” Thurfian said, sipping a glass of wine.  
“You have?” Thrawn asked.   
“Of course, my boy.” He smiled, laughing. Ar’Alani joined him, along with Thrass and Thalias, Thrawn frozen in his chair.   
“You’re too late!” Thrass cried, continuing to laugh, and the floor fell out from beneath them. Thrawn was suddenly in a glass bottom captain’s chair, watching the carnage of a battle below him, a planet turning to ash.  
He froze.   
It was Csilla.  
He reached out to the ship’s controls, but they were all broken, none of them working. He tried to stand, but couldn’t. He was stuck there, frozen. Watching everyone die. He saw the Springhawk below him, flames erupting from its stern. He tried to hail them, to go to their aid. Eli and Ar’Alani were on that ship… and all he could do was watch. The enemy’s ships buzzed around him, invisible to even them.  
“What are you doing, Thrawn?” Thurfian was beside him, cooing in his ear. “Why don’t you save them?”  
His words were caught in his throat.   
“All those innocent people… dead because of you.”   
“No.”  
“Yes!” Thurfian laughed. “You abandoned them, and there’s no one to save them now, not even you, Grand Admiral Thrawn. There’s no home for you to return to.”  
His chair turned, and he was in the Chimera, but still looking out over the same scene.   
“We’ve bombarded the planet, sir, and all battleships are disabled.”  
“What?” Thrawn asked, watching the planet below as the Chimera peppered the planet with orbital blasts.   
“The death star will be here soon to finish the job, sir.”  
He spun, and the emperor was standing behind him. “You said your loyalties were to me, Mitth’raw’nuruodo. You’ve passed the test.”  
The Emperor pulled out his saber, and approached the frozen Thrawn._

Thrawn gasped awake, cold sweat dripping down his face. The fireplace was crackling quietly in front of him, lighting his path into the hallway. The sky was dim with the beginnings of dawn, and he wrote a note to Linnia that he would be back later. He needed to be alone, to think, to sort this mess out. He pulled on his boots and set off into the forest beneath the mountain, teeth chattering, but not due to the cold.  
\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Thrawn didn’t return until just before dusk, the smoke from the chimney billowing over the trees. When he entered the house, Linnia was in the kitchen with the house droid, swearing. Whatever heaviness was on his chest, regardless of their meaning, died in her presence. Her overwhelming aura of calm never ceased to take his breath away. He wanted to pull her into his arms, envelope that calm within.  
“How was your adventure?”  
He sat at the table, “alright.”  
“You could’ve woken me, I bet the view was gorgeous.”  
“I would have but… I needed to think.”  
She turned. “You’ve been doing a lot of that.”  
He looked away.   
“What’s going on?”  
“It’s nothing,” he said, trying to sound confident. She didn’t look fooled.  
“It isn’t. You’re torturing yourself with whatever it is. I’ve done it enough myself to know that look of misery when I see it. Spill.”  
“Linnia-”  
“Thrawn.” She said, looking back at him. “I know I’m no Eli Vanto, but I’d like to help you sort this out.”  
Her words were final, and if he chose to get up and walk out, she’d let it drop. She didn’t force him with her own self interest, she made her intentions known and left it. It was far more difficult to ignore.  
He told her everything.   
He told her about Eli, about how he hadn’t been exiled, about Csilla and the Grysks, about his nightmares and Ar’Alani… even about Thrass and the death star.  
He’d talked so much, let so much information fall out of his mouth, he hadn’t realized she’d sat beside him, her hand on his arm.   
“You must be angry.” He said after a pause.  
He looked up, and she was watching him, her expression unreadable. “I’ll admit I was when you started, but I feel I understand why you kept it all a secret now. Thrawn, how could you possibly keep all of that to yourself all this time?”  
He didn’t answer, he simply stared.  
“I apologize for dumping that all on you.” He said.  
“Don’t be. I’m glad you did. I promise to keep it all to myself as well, don’t worry.”  
“Thank you.”  
She half smiled. “No matter what you do, its your intentions that make it the right or wrong thing. There’s no way for you to know what’s happening there, so you simply have to go with your gut. You could stay here forever in the name of the Chiss and never see them again, or you can give yourself an end goal, like the death star plans, and go home after that. Its what feels like the right thing to do that matters. You’re remarkably intelligent, I have full faith in your judgement.”  
He stared at her, emotion driving his heart to pound, building pressure in his throat. He was only one person. He couldn’t save everyone.  
“Why don’t you go wash up? I have a surprise for you.”  
“Ok,” he murmured, and she pat his arm reassuringly.   
He went up and showered, numb. All that thinking, all that torment, reduced to a single sentence. It was about his intentions. He quickly dried off and got dressed, eager to be in her presence again. He bounded down the stairs, and he saw the fire lit outside. He stepped out, and she’d dragged the dining room table outside. On its white tablecloth lay an entire meal. A large bird in the middle, sides of vegetables and starches in bowls all around. Some he recognized, and others he imagined were from her own culture. She had a blanket over her shoulders and smiled, offering him a mug. Frothed tea.  
“I’m sure its not quite the same, but I couldn’t exactly ask you how to make the tea without ruining the surprise.”  
He stared at the table, and back at her. “I don’t have words.”  
When she was in the kitchen with the droid… he was so wrapped up in his own mind he hadn’t even wondered what she was doing.   
“Come, we don’t want the food to get cold. Plus, I’ve been waiting to hear childhood Thrawn stories all day.”  
He cocked his head.  
“I don’t give a damn about the Mitth family history, I give a damn about you, so tell me a story about you.”  
They ate, laughing and telling each other stories about their past. He’d learned more about her family and her home planet, about her brother who had lost a hand to save their father from a broken farming machine when she was small.  
When they were both full they refilled their mugs and sat in the chairs by the fire pit, pushed together to share the blanket, and they watched the stars. It was quiet, but he’d never heard his own heart and mind so clearly before. He didn’t have to do everything alone. He wasn’t a burden, not on everyone. Not on Linnia. He could do this, he could help the chiss, but not alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy new year! Thanks so much for reading and reviewing, I adore all your amazing feedback, every one makes my day! You're all the best!


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thrawn begins to unravel the death star and his feelings for Linnia

Karyn swung, and Thrawn stepped aside, forcing her to narrowly miss him yet again. She set her stick down, sighing. They’d been at this for over a week, Thrawn taking an interest in Karyn’s hand to hand abilities- or lack thereof. She was soaked in sweat, her cheeks flushed.  
"I'm done for today, Admiral."  
He set his stick down. "You've greatly improved, Commodore. I am impressed.”  
She huffed. “Thank you, Grand Admiral.” Although she didn’t feel like she had. If anything, she felt her confidence wane as Thrawn continued to flatten her attempts with each passing day.  
She set her stick down next to his, wiping her forehead.  
“I’ll be in my office if you need me.” he said, leaving her to catch her breath in peace.  
\---------------------------------------------  
He pulled up art from every corner of the galaxy; sculptures, paintings, sketches, even pottery… with the subject of love. Not just romantic love, familial love, platonic love. The Chiss didn't recognize love. Not because they didn't feel it-they thought it a weak point. Therefore, marriages were often arranged by political advancements. The higher you went up the social ladder, the less evidence of love you would find. When Thrawn was young he thought the Mitth might come to love him once he'd shown how intelligent he was. But that was his naivety rearing its head early. Love didn't exist alongside greed, and in the ruling families, there was enough greed to fuel that of the entire empire.  
He studied the work, the passion of each stroke, the embraces of the subjects in each work. Physical touch was the ultimate symbol of love in so many cultures. The gentle caress of one's skin, the holding of one another in their arms… all things the Chiss sneered at. To show affection was to shed the protection of anonymity. You were showing your hand, and to do so was foolish.  
The most affection he'd shown in his life was touching one's shoulder. A relationship would entail far more, especially with a human.  
Thrawn had never allowed his eyes to wander further than the page, sticking to what he knew, strategy. Relationships were high risk with little reward, and he couldn't afford to humiliate himself any further than he already did on the social field. He never humored a relationship.  
Linnia came naturally. They formed a bond, one that had evolved into a relationship Thrawn could see becoming something more. He found himself drifting to thoughts of bringing her to Csilla with him, of her meeting Ar'Alani. He frowned. He was far ahead of himself. Linnia may have no interest in Thrawn beyond friendship. She may be insulted by his admission, ending their relationship there, destroying their friendship. He pinched the bridge of his nose. What was he doing? Why was he wasting his time with such foolishness? She wouldn't leave her life here, she wouldn't want him over another. Why risk their friendship?  
Did he love her?  
He thought this would help him, seeing the work inspired by others with the same questions, the same feelings. But as always, it escaped him.  
"Damn."  
He was only doing this because he knew his time to leave was approaching, and couldn't bare to leave without her. Like Eli, he wished to bring her to Csilla with him.  
He'd invite her aboard, and try to formulate a plan from there. If only he could ask Eli. 

\---------------------------------------------

_Grand Admiral Thrawn,_

_I’d love to join you aboard the Chimera for your investigation. I’ll be arriving shortly._

_Linnia_

He knew she was short because of the highly confidential nature of the mission, but he’d still hoped for more. It’d been more than six months since their vacation, and despite his attempts, he’d been craving her presence. When they were apart, he felt himself slowly descending into his own thoughts, allowing his anxieties, his calculations, to drown his perceptions of reality. Her calming presence, her ability to take what Thrawn felt was an extraordinarily complex issue and reduce it to such simplicity continued to ease him, her smile bringing him peace of mind.  
Maybe she’d help him find answers in his own heart.  
This issue with Krennic and the death star was haunting him. The death star information was what he wanted, it was his self determined ticket home… and that was what bothered him. Once he was there, he would get what he wanted, he would be sure of it. But what would this information mean? For the galaxy, the universe? Would it be a ticket home, or a death sentence? If the death star was the weapon he suspected, he couldn’t simply saunter home with the information. He’d have to stay and be sure of its destruction.  
This was to be his turning point either way, and he wasn’t sure he was ready for any outcome. He’d grown comfortable in the stagnation of his career, and to uproot his entire life again…  
He was scared. The idea of returning to the Chiss felt almost as foreign as when he’d left them for the empire.  
If only Eli were around.  
\----------------------------------------

Linnia arrived two days after her letter. She brought her assistant and some medical supplies to assist if needed. She greeted thrawn and ronan, her hair pulled back in an elaborate braid, keeping hair from her face. She appeared well rested, and thrawn almost felt guilty for dragging her into this absolute mess. Once formalities were said and done, she followed thrawn back to his office, slumping against the closed door.  
"You have to explain to me what is going on and who that lunatic is… but not before a drink."  
Thrawn smiled. "Agreed." He poured her a glass of amber liquor from his decanter, and she fell into the chair before his desk.  
"How do you get yourself wrapped up in these things?"  
Thrawn sipped his own glass. "I wonder myself."  
She sighed.  
Thrawn looked up at her. Her cheeks were flushed, her eyes bright, as always, as if she held some unknown secret.  
“This is your chance.”  
He closed his eyes. He didn’t have to answer, they both already knew what was involved.  
“I’m here to help you however I can.” She said quietly.  
He looked away. “I do not know what this holds for me, for you, for the galaxy.”  
“No one does. Not even them. We have to simply do what we can as it comes, I guess.”  
She gave him what Thrawn assumed was a hopeful smile, but there was a touch of fear in her eyes. They were entering uncharted territory for the both of them, they’d have to tread carefully.  
There was a knock, and Thrawn buzzed the door open.  
A cart rolled in, pushed by a droid. It left the cart beside his desk, zipping quickly back into the hallway.  
“I took the liberty of ordering a meal. I assumed you would be famished.”  
She smirked, lifting the metal cloche over one of the plates. “Always thoughtful.”  
He smirked in return. “Always.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and for your patience! I have in no way forgotten about this story, in fact, I have all the ideas and am chomping at the bit to write. I'm getting to the end of the first trimester of my pregnancy (yay!) but the morning sickness still makes it difficult for me to look at computer screens, so I've had to dedicate my screen time to my job. But I'm feeling better and hoping to get back to it now! :)


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